Blindsided

Last Sunday at our latest meeting of Jacob's Well, we were all sharing and discussing some of the arrows that Satan had been firing at our lives, trying to hurt us of course. During those discussions, I was trying to think about some things that had been happening to me, but I couldn't think of anything. It made me feel strong... or lucky... or somehow privileged to be somehow spared from the efforts of the enemy to thwart our current plans.

I shouldn't kept my big mouth [er, mind] shut... he struck back with a vengence, especially after Monday.

There were two occasions in the last five days where Jesse and I's relationship almost ended. Last night during the cryfest was when I realized what was really happening here; I let my guard down and the enemy walked right in. He told me that I wasn't happy with Jesse, that nothing would make me happy enough, and that made me difficult and probably unbearable. He has been hitting me where it hurts, just like I was so proud of not feeling last week. I imagine he probably really angry that I could feel God's communication to me, so why not try to mess up my relationship? Alas, after Jesse and I parted, I got in my car and turned on 104.9 and sang along with some songs, making me feel so much better.

It's been so exciting and uplifting to see more and more develop in Jacob's Well, but I was very much blindsided by the enemy. Now, I know what it is, and whenever I feel those thoughts coming back, I'm gonna know what to do. All I have to do is say God's name and it's gone. It's a lesson well learned, and now I'll be ready next time it happens.

I could feel myself being weak and the enemy sneaking in yesterday. I had a long day... I was tired and vulnerable. When I went to Eric and LeeElla's house after work, I had a hard time even looking them in the eyes when I was talking to them because I just knew that I let the enemy in. I was ashamed and feel bad that I brought that feeling into their house. I'm comforted, though, by knowing that everyone has their weak moments. I'm only human. But He understands... I know He does.

Holy Nourishment

I fired up my blog over the weekend, but it's all been done from my dad's computer thus far which really limits me. I'm ready to really settle into this home, but alas I'm without pictures and while I still remember my name and what I'm about, it's just not really the same doing things here.

Taking that thought and expanding it a little [as I do with well, every thought], that same scenario can sort of relate to the waiting period between now and when I move into my new apartment. It's like, I can still live and have my same routines, but it's just not the same right now. Life is so up in the air. I'd be lying if I said that my preoccupation with moving wasn't at least slightly interfering with my 'responsible adult' thing. I completely forgot when my next counseling appointment was. In fact, I called my counselor to say I think my appointment is tomorrow and if so, I couldn't make it, only to find out that it was actually, er, yesterday. Whoops. But, oh well, what do you do? So, needless to say, I might be having a tough time as far as expanding the capacity of my mind to accomadate every single thing that is happening in my life...

Okay, I don't forget about God. I do make sure to remind myself of Him when I start to think about negative things. For example, last night I was in Jesse's house waiting for him to arrive. Being that I haven't felt exactly stellar about our relationship as of recent [Satan's firey darts.. they know where to hit me], I was really wanting to iron things out and establish that it wasn't us that was really the problem, it was just that the enemy is going for where it hurts. But I had a hard time at first being okay with the silent room I was sitting in. All of these horrible scenarios of us fighting and being sad and upset were flying through my head. After a few minutes of that, it really started to get on my nerves. But God made sure to politely remind me that it was that darn enemy trying to get to me again. So, in my head, I said, "In the name of Jesus I banish you from my mind and your efforts to ruin our time!" And whadda ya know... I felt peace. Boy, that was incredible to feel. It was like I was in a tornado that instantly faded away... all because I used our Lord's name in satan's direction. What a sissy. :)

If I can get him to go away, we all can.

I already miss our hope groups. It feels perfect to have a little extra serving of the Lord during the middle of the week. I know I start feeling weak at about this time. But, in the meantime, I managed by reading some of Eric's blog and then writing my own. I'm going to be okay afterall. I really am!

Burning

Popcorn and Soda make for a good writing environment. I've wanted to blog since this morning, even way before the story I was going to tell had ended.

God spoke to me in the most powerful way today. I couldn't believe how strong he came at me, how much it caught me off guard, and how incredible it felt. After my amazing and emotional weekend, the connection between me and God has become so clear to me. I can't describe exactly how I feel about it... that's how strong it is.

I usually drive to Cheney everyday at 10.30 for a delivery route, but today I started going to Cheney and then Liberty Lake. Pretty sweet deal, don't you think? I leave at 10.30 after being at work for only 2.5 hours, then by the time I get back to the office, it's basically lunch time. I'm blessed; God knows what kind of things make me content in a job and He has provided me with those things. Anyway, on the way from Cheney to L.L., I decided to take a quick detour and stop by the future home of Jacob's Well. So I parked across the street from it and just sat there and looked. It just felt so right. I could, in an instant, see all of our happy faces roaming around on the other side of the glass. I can't wait! I drove by the small park nearby where we're meeting next week and felt even more excited. I want to spend more time in that area just hanging out and thinking; it was pretty peaceful.

Finally I decided to get back on the road, so I got onto Freya to make my way towards the freeway. On Freya between Fourth and Third Streets, I saw a young girl standing on the sidewalk with a sign in her hands that said, "Hungry & Pregnant." I'm ashamed to admit this, but I had zero thought about it. I treated that moment like I had treated every other moment of driving by a homeless person. I went on my way to the rest of my stops, and headed back to the office. On my way back, something hit me like a ton of bricks... the image of that young woman's face in my head. All of a sudden, I could not think of anything else but the young redhead with the light yellow sweatshirt and khaki pants and pregnant belly. At that moment, God told me loud and clear, you have to go to her. From then until my lunch break, I literally couldn't see one other thing in my mind except her face. This is exactly what we are being called to do. I couldn't believe I didn't see it, but God made sure to remind me what we were doing...

When it was my lunch time, I hopped in my car and raced to that same corner. I parked my car at Fred Meyer and walked over towards where she was...

But she wasn't there.

My heart sank into my feet and I felt such intense sadness. I didn't cry, but I just couldn't believe that God would tell me this message so strongly, get me to go back to that corner, and find that she wasn't there. For the rest of the day, I really just wondered why. Was it just a reminder to me that next time I should have acted sooner? What if there wasn't a next time? What if in that hour of me seeing her and then coming back, she was kidnapped or was hurt? And I could've prevented it by just noticing. I felt sad, but optimistic at the same time. I realized that there's always tomorrow. So I decided right then and there that I would be determined to go to that block every day at lunch until I had a chance to at least find out her name, even if I couldn't buy her a sandwich from the store.

When I got off work tonight, and started approaching the Thor/Freya exit, I thought, "Why not just check one more time, it wouldn't hurt." So I pulled off to the exit and started feeling those butterflies again. Then I gasped... there she was, right on the same corner, holding the same sign, wearing the same clothes, wearing the same face.

Thank you, Jesus, thank you, thank you, thank you.

That's what I said as I frantically tried to find a place to park my car. And I parked, got out and approached her. She looked like she didn't expect me to talk to her, but I did. I asked her how it was going, what her name was, and if I could get her something from the store. She said she'd better not go anywhere because she was meeting someone soon. But I still let her know that a lot of my friends and I were going to be opening up a shop just down the street where you could just come to hang out. I also asked what she was having... she said a boy. I said if she came in, we could definitely hook her up with some baby stuff. She smiled big and said, "Sweet, thanks a lot!" We said our goodbyes and I walked back to my car, so happy yet so brokenhearted. She looked no older than 17. I hope with all of my heart that even though I didn't give her money or food, that she realizes that there is someone out there who will hope. And even if this one girl comes into Jacob's Well and I can give her just some food or some baby clothes, I'll be satisfied.

This is what it's all about. I feel so touched by God today and so thankful that he smacked me upside the head today.

I have the burning.

Moving

Patsy Clairmont said it best... sometimes, you just have to M O V E. That spoke to me in so many ways, and until then, I hadn't even realized in how many ways, I am moving. I'm moving to a different church, moving out of my house, and even switching blogs. That's what brings me here--I used to use LiveJournal. In fact, I used it for nearly 7 years [since I was 14!]. It's very interesting to look back on those archives and see how my life has changed and how I have grown. I was saddened, however, to find that throughout all of those years, my attitude had seen little or no improvement. It wasn't until just a few months ago that I've actually felt some change. The sun seems brighter, the air more refreshing, and the world a little more beautiful.

"Y'know, this whole being a Christian thing has really been good for me," I said to my mom. She feels uncomfortable when I talk about my faith, so I usually keep it to myself. Of course, she's never said she feels uncomfortable, but I can just see it in her. Dad on the other hand... well, I don't really talk to him. We can't seem to have a conversation that goes past, "Hi, how are you?" "Good, how are you?" "Good," without disagreeing about something. Honestly, we are like night and day. I find it easier to keep as much information about my life away from him just to avoid opening Pandora's box of our issues. But I digress... constantly.

There are a lot of websites where one can blog, but after I glanced at Eric's blogspot and read a few lines, I honestly felt inspired. This is the place. Writing has been so absent from my life for the past months, and I think that had a lot to do with the fact that I couldn't look at my LiveJournal without feeling that I had to find something negative to write about. That's just not me anymore. And that makes me glow with happiness...

So, here I am.