"Her"

All I had ever heard about her were negative things; what she did to him, how she hurt him, what kind of person she turned into, how she pretended to be...

I listened to all of that, and from that, formed my opinion. I jumped on the bandwagon of bitterness, even though I, personally, had never been involved myself.

So here I was, stepping into BLAZE for the first time, and then I saw her face. The planted feelings of frustration, anger, and WHY IS SHE HERE flew into my head and was shared amongst the person standing next to me. We sat down, she sat in front of us. Eventually, we moved to the back of the auditorium to remove ourselves from the feelings. Just her very sight brewed up feelings that surely didn't belong in a BLAZE conference. But wait, I didn't even know her. Oh well, I guess I already knew about her... from biased people, of course.

Pastor Eric's message was fantastic, and I felt even more convitcted. He called for people to approach the altar/stage area, and I immediately started forward... until I saw her there, too. I stopped and turned back to who I was by with hesitation on my face, but continued forward anyway.

I stood far away from her, but there was someone who wasn't about to let me forget.

Amongst my prayers for myself and my own issues, God spoke to me so loud and clear; talk to her. He said that to me, and then I began to sob, realizing what I've been doing this whole time; judging someone I didn't even know. How dare I ride along with people who have known her and just go right along with their feelings. I felt awful for making things so awkward. She was at church for the first time in a long time last weekend, and I could hardly focus because I felt so weird about her being there. But it's only been so awkward because we've made it that way.

So, I approached her.. and for the first time, we actually carried a conversation. It wasn't anything hugely significant, and it definitely wasn't the opening door to a beautiful friendship or anything, but it was enough to make at least me realize that there is going to be enough room in the church for the both of us. And even despite the things I've heard, it still said something that she was making the effort nonetheless. I have to respect that.

But then, and here's where I'm a little puzzled, I heard something new--they're going to be together again. I don't know if that was the Lord who said that or the enemy. It could be the enemy because it's something that worries me, but it could be the Lord because it would be good for the little one. I just know that whatever the case may be, I need to be prepared, yet enjoy the time I have with him because I never know when it'll change.

No Purpose? No Way!

I think about the Well everyday and I'm still excited for its future. I've been praying that God show me where I belong within the church. I know there is some way I can use my talents, but I've had a hard time finding where that is... Like I've said before, whenever one of those light bulbs goes off in my head and I call someone about it, I always hear that it's already been done. It makes me wish that I would've started thinking about things a long time ago, but everything happens for a reason. It's frustrating sometimes.

However, some light has been shed on my search for my purpose in the Well. I am passionate about music and the arts in general and want to use my musical talent as well as my creativity to be a part of the arts part of the Well. Of course, Eric did say people have already expressed interest in that aspect of things, but I wasn't surprised. I still told him that's where I felt I could be the best. I just couldn't help but feel that he doesn't exactly trust me 100% yet as far as my abilities go, but I want to show him that I am very much capable of having responsibility of something and doing a good job. I also have to show him, at the same time, that I'm not going to be one of those people who will go to church for a while then just disappear. I'm here to stay.

I just hope it works out.

Reversing the Damage

From what I've learned throughout my life, and particularly in Psych101 is that everybody, no matter who they are, is susceptible to depression. Everyone is capable of developing the chemical imbalance. It's mostly a matter of how high one's stress level gets. That's where one can be pushed over the edge.

Soon, no matter the circumstances of her/his life, he/she still feel a constant displeasure with life in general, and at first, not know why. The beginnings of these feelings are somewhat commonly known to start during adolesence, but of course, depression can begin at any age. Some people just adapt to this feeling and go on living their lives, but a lot literally feel something in their brains that just isn't right. Counselors are available to help a person discover their issues that have brought on the depression and overcome the misery, helping restore peace to his/her life.

Other times, the chemical imbalance requires medication. Medications like Prozac, Zoloft and Wellbutrin XL are designed to balance the chemicals in the brain, thus helping the imbalanced handle stressful situations better and reduce anxiety. It doesn't take long to feel the effects or for it to show, and usually anti-depressants have a pretty long half-life, so if you forget to take them for a few days, you won't fall back into the slump immediately.

However, if you do stop taking them for an extended period of time (i.e. Prozac's half-life is 21 days, so after three weeks), the chemical imbalance is unfortunately likely to reoccur. For an anti-depressant user, this creates a frustrating situation, especially if he/she doesn't immediately realize he/she hasn't been taking the medicine for a while. All of a sudden, old habits and attitudes start to resurface. Maybe you used to be a cutter or a scratcher and would use self-mutilation as a release from the intense and nearly unbearable emotional pain you were feeling. Depending on how much stress you are under, you may wind up feeling that overwhelmed again and thus result to the same habits. You know very well that there really are no benefits to cutting or scratching, for they just make you even more upset after you realized what you've done, but that helping hand you've had is gone and you didn't realize it until you were beyond the point of making it by yourself.

Once again, you're left laying in bed crying until you can hardly open your eyes, just wondering where you would be if you had just made taking those little pills a higher priority. Now it's time to start all over again. So the moral of this story is: Adrienne, just take your meds, okay?

Two Steps Back

I think I got a little ahead of myself here.

As of recent, I really felt my strength and the ambition to use it for great things. I pictured myself being, well, a lot more help than I have turned out to be when it came to Jacob's Well. And with the way I have let [and am letting] the enemy control my thoughts today, I think I'm still on the other side of the table yet--the side that still needs help. Going to church on Sundays just isn't enough. Even when I have something to say that's miniscule and can definitely wait, I will still use that as a reason to call Eric or LeeElla, more as just an excuse to absorb some of their positive energy because I need it. With almost every thought/idea I've had, though, it's been about something that's already been thought of, and that makes me so sad. I don't want to take a backseat to the whole process of putting things together, but I'm just slipping that way. I don't know what I can do, but I know I want to be important somehow. Anywho, I can't depend on those 2-minute conversations. I'm just waiting on pins and needles for a hope group or Bible study or something.

Today, a negative scenario played in my head beteween myself and just about everybody I know. I was a courier today, so I was out on the road with really, no way to escape myself... no one to talk to. I couldn't even get my hand to turn the dial to 104.5. I felt so far away from God today, and for that I feel heartbroken. I just want to get better--in every aspect of my life, for that matter--and I seem to be going the wrong way. Just when I thought I was really feeling good... one step forward, two steps back. It hurts...

Reminders

It's so considerate of God to remind me on an almost daily basis why it's been the right choice to believe in him. Something seems to happen everyday in my life that just makes me feel so much more loved in general than I've ever felt. For instance, yesterday when I got to church I just wasn't with it. My attitude was poor, for whatever reason, and I tried to hide it but couldn't. In past group situations, nobody would have even thought twice about it or even noticed, but yesterday I had two people approach me with a concerned look in their eyes, asking me if I was okay. I really had no explanation for it, but I knew I just needed a little God in my heart. It was incredible how I literally felt a difference in my face and body after service was over. During worship I kept my eyes closed the entire time and just let God's presence pour into my heart. By the end of service... I just can't describe it. I made sure to go up to Mike (one of the ones who approached me earlier) and showed him my difference. Eric asked me, "Coffee finally kick in?" And I said, "Nope, I just got a little God." It was great.

Today something happened to me that wasn't exactly the greatest situation, but later in the day the situation came back into my mind and God expressed to me how proud he was of my attitude in the situation. We had a blood drive at work this morning and I always kind of psych myself out a little about it. I've done it three times now and know exactly what to expect. Well, we got me all sat down, arm marked, iodine swabbed, totally ready to go. I close my eyes and feel the poke but it's a way more intense poke than I had remembered. At first I just thought I was being dramatic, but it turned out that they hadn't gotten in the vein; instead they hit a nerve! It was painful and the area bruised almost immediately. She yanked the needle out of my arm and then had the nerve to ask me, "Wanna try the other arm?" For a second, I was thinking is she CRAZY?! But after that, something told me to go for it. I was here to do a good thing, and just because it didn't go exactly right didn't mean I needed to storm out of the bus and be angry at these people. So, I scooted over to the other side and plopped my other arm down. It went fine and even though I had two colorful armbands for a while, I still felt good.

I feel that this situation happened to me today to remind me of a lesson that has plagued me for almost my whole life. Just because something is hard doesn't mean it's time to give up. I still catch myself wanting to give up when things are hard. Usually I've been lucky and had someone to hand the task over to, but today it was just me. It was all up to me to take it or leave it, and I'm so proud that I just went for it. I was wounded in battle, but went right back into the fight. I know life isn't going to be easy. It's definitely going to be challenging and test my every ounce of strength, but I won't give up. Today was big reminder of that for me, and I'm glad that God showed me this lesson today. I feel priveleged.

The "TMI" Blogger

I think I took a silly little blog test a while back that asked, "What kind of blogger are you?" and I'm pretty sure I scored myself as a "TMI Blogger." Now, when I was at LiveJournal, I had a gal on my friends list who talked about her periods and cramps and promiscuous sex life and of course I often wrinkled my nose and let out an, "EWW." She was more like a "Keep that #*$& to yourself" blogger, but, that was what was in her heart. Now, even though I personally wouldn't discuss my menstral characteristics on the blog, I still admired her courage to blog whatever she pleased without worrying about what others were going to think. I try to follow some of that same philosophy.

When I sit down at my laptop ready to blog, I sit with my heart on my sleeve. I'm not the kind of person who just writes about their day.... today I had a great day! I got up, went to work, stopped at my parents' house to feed the cat, came home and had leftover nachos with floppy chips and read the Bible. The end!...

I write what's in my heart. I've always felt that writing is theraputic, and of course I can't help myself resolve internal issues if I don't address them. There is only so much that talking to a counselor can do. I think after that step, there is a time where you have to sit and see your issues face-to-face. For me, writing about them is the best way.

Maybe some the things I've written about and will write about in the future are things that I wouldn't want to stand on a rooftop and shout, but I'm going to put myself out there. I also write of my issues here in hopes that maybe sometime someone with a similar issue will be browsing the net and happen to come across it. Maybe an idea I'll have will be something they've not thought about before. You just never know... but trust me, after the outpouring I did last week, there were a few moments where I had a slight feeling of panic and thought to myself, "Oh no, I posted that on my blog, didn't I.." but, those feeling pass and from that emerges a feeling of strength and presence of courage that I'm really in search of these days. So there ya go.

Stuck in Boxes

The ways of this world are grabbing a hold
Won't let me go, won't let me fly by
It takes it's toll down on my soul
‘Cause I know what I need in my life

Don't let me lose my sight of You
Don't let me lose my sight...

I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me on down
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me to the ground

"Gravity" -- Shawn McDonald

I feel a strong connection to that song. It describes my transition [and struggle] into having the life of a Christian. It also reminds me of Jesse and his struggle. It's the desire and knowledge of what is right and which way is the right way to go, but the struggle of being distracted, challanged and pulled astray by the negativities and temptations of the world. It was almost easier being a relentless sinner. Of course I would never trade this life for that life, but it most definitely takes a conscious effort of reminding yourself a lot about the Lord and that yes, He's still with you. Even now... and now... and now too.

Maybe that's why Jesse has a hard time staying with the Lord; he just forgets. I don't know exactly what it is, or what to do about it. I've been seeing a massage therapist lately, and at my latest appointment Tuesday, I found out she is a Christian and we had a very nice conversation. After the massage, we prayed! How cool is that? She prayed for my well-being, Jesse's overcoming of his ADD, and Jacob's Well. She pointed out that she felt that part of the ADD was truly a chemical ordeal, but its being out of control at times was most likely the enemy taking advantage of his tender places... that's what usually happens, anyway, isn't it? But her words gave me some more hope in the matter of righting the wrongs of my life and Jesse doing the same with his.

My life is kind of a mess right now. It's partly still in boxes, and honestly I don't feel very content right now. I'm just ignoring the issues I'm having with myself and trying to stay focused on what's truly important right now. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way; maybe I should make myself the most important. I don't really know what I'm saying right now. I just need to go pray. Enough of this typing.

Making the Choice

Two individuals, from entirely different worlds, find themselves in the same church, worshiping the same God. Their circumstances align and soon they find a common thread. They date, share things, and begin building a relationship. They are both Christians, thus making the decision to do things the right way [i.e. not living together, not having sex] is easy. So that's what they do.

After a number of years, they decide to marry. Before the wedding, the young man makes a vow to himself and God--if this wedding were to somehow not work, he would not be with anybody else. Of course, that's what the Bible says. If two people divorce--unless if it's because of an unfaithful woman--the man, should he choose to marry again, would be comitting adultery.

After a short time, the marriage falls apart, adultery is [presumed] committed by the woman, and a divorce is filed. Now sits the young man of only 20 wondering how he is going to be content with living single for the rest of his years. He prays, searching for answers... wondering why this happened, what he's supposed to do now. He tells God that if there is another woman that he is to be with and love, that she needs to be shown to him. And that very thing happened. It happened in the parking lot of a Mexican restaurant. It was a 'friend of a friend' with perhaps a darker look [such as that of his previous lover] with long, dark hair. To him, this was God showing him this woman he had questioned the existance of.

Nonetheless, these two individuals, from even more different backgrounds came together. She was a lost soul, slipping further and further into a cold-hearted, cynical life. But he swept her off her feet, so-to-speak. He opened her eyes to the wonders of God. He told her about the mindset of waiting until marriage to be intimate. Yet, the young woman, desperate for acceptance [particularly from a man], had used that sacred part of her soul with the wrong notion that that's how you got someone to like you. But something different had happened; he accepted her for her and her past mistakes. They began to date, unfortunately letting Satan turn an ignorant shoulder to the lifestyle of a Christian, both out of their own unanswered dilemmas. The Bible talks about divorce, but does it mention what one is to do after divorce? How does this young man reap the benefits of marriage, but just forget about them and turn his back on them to date someone after marriage? And how does this woman, already feeling neck-deep in mistakes, feel like she can turn around?

Here it is, nearly a year later. The young man struggles to reverse his mindset from marriage to dating, while the young woman has finally triumphed over her false thoughts of what is needed for acceptance, yet still doesn't know how to turn around all the way. She realizes that our Lord accepts her and loves her no matter what she does, even if she does sin. She wants to be a full-time Christian now, and knows her lover wants that same thing, but they find themselves constantly struggling to fight off the temptations, often losing. The young woman prays that God will show her the way to overcome the curses of her past that keep taking her eyes off of christ and the life she knows she deserves to have. After conversations one beautiful May day with some powerful sources, she comes to the conclusion that a rational, conscious choice must be made. She has decided to leave the mistakes in the past and become not just a little, but all the way reborn in God's eyes. She knows it will be hard and Satan will try even harder to take her off track, but the power of the Lord will prevail over evil and she will close yet another chapter in her life.

Everyday Struggle

I am becoming well aware of the enemy's incessant attempts to take me back. He really wants me. He knows exactly when my guard starts going down and that's when he decides to invade. Although it's extremely disappointing to see the enemy's affects on me--especially at places like Women of Faith and even Jacob's Well--I know that I will learn to better overcome those moments. You know what they say, "They didn't rebuild Rome overnight." It's a little hard right now to be on top of my game 24/7, and I don't doubt that's probably the case for everybody. We're all human--of course I'm going to have some weak moments. It's just too bad that those moments have to be in front of everyone.

I think back to last night at Jacob's Well and how silly I must have looked. I was feeling sorry for myself because nobody invited me to be a part of their projects. Why should that have even bothered me? The only explanation I have is that maybe I don't feel as "in" yet. I'm still so new and everybody has all of their memories and good times and bonding moments. I don't have that to share with anybody, and that makes me feel like the outsider a little, at least among the women. Of course the enemy had to see that weakness and practically ruin my night. He told me I wasn't making any difference in the cleaning and that I wasn't appreciated. And I believed him. That makes me so sad, but I have so much faith in God and I know He will help me get rid of those moments, or at least the frequency of them. It was embarrassing to not be able to get the look of self pity off of my face last night. I don't want the enemy to ruin all of my good nights. I won't let him... I just won't. It just takes faith and prayer every day, not just when I get around to it. It's an everyday struggle. But I know who will prevail...

Right Here

There are lots of things I can do.

I can be upset... I can be angry or frustrated.
I can be sad and cry
...I can even turn my heart off if I really want.
I can talk and express and use my words in desperation
I can pray and fast and hope to God that He guides us right.


But there's one thing I can't do when it comes to Jesse Finck...

I can't walk away from him.