Fight Like a Girl

"I am always under the mistaken impression that if I can figure it out, then I can fix it. The truth is, there is just so much you can do, and then you have to surrender it to the Father. There is just so much you can say, and then you have said too much." -- Lisa Bevere, author of Fight Like a Girl

I'll tell you what... I have read more sentences in this book that are direct hits to my life as far as relevancy goes, than I've ever found before. I randomly came across this book, mind you, shortly after Jesse and I broke up, and I'm so glad I did. It was totally a God thing that I found this book. Right off the bat, it touched on issue after issue we had, things I had no idea about, just so much practical information for my life.

But TODAY!... Reading that paragraph, I was totally blown away by how much it applies to my life. I am just now in the midst of learning the lessons about trying to counsel in situations and actually making things worse by saying too much. She makes a great point for me--I may know the solution to a problem, or see who is in the wrong, or see what needs to change, but that doesn't mean, by any means, that I can, or that I even have the right to be the one fixing things. That is me trying to step into the role of my Lord, as opposed to letting Him do His will as He wants. I need to take a back-seat role to situations. And in the case of friends who decide to confide in me, I need to do a lot less talking and a lot more listening. It means enough that I am taking time out of my day to listen and be there as support. No one is expecting me to have all the answers and solve everything. I need to realize that.

"When we are no longer motivated by the earthly human need for acceptance, we will not feel driven to repeatedly prove ourselves right."

...

So, is it the enemy who is trying to make me feel like I miss him so much right now... or is it really my heart? Oh, I don't know. I'm battling with these feelings of what if, what if, what if and I've been half-tempted a few times to approach him with these feelings, but I know that's not a good idea, for a lot of reasons.

I started typing out questions starting with "What if..." and realized that if there are that many questions and worries about these feelings, then it's probably not a God thing. I just don't like when I get confused between which things are true God things and what is the enemy trying to pull the wool over my eyes again.

I think I just long for some companionship right now and he is the most recent thing I know of. If it's God's will, it'll happen. If it's His will. I have nothing to worry about. It's time for bed.

The Truth

Slowly but surely, God is weeding the garden of my life, removing the undesireable parts and throwing them out. He is making room for the seeds of His love to grow and flourish.

Even before I knew I had an enemy, he was trying to tempt me with things that would drive me further and further away from the Lord (just want he wanted, of course), and I was the perfect target for this. When I was about 16 I found an interest in tarot cards and bought a set to start reading for people. I thought it was so neat to lay out cards and tell someone something about their life that they know I had no idea about, but could decipher from the cards. I did it on and off for years, now owning two decks of cards. I even bought a book about palmistry, wanting to learn how to read palms and tell fortunes.

Today, it's absolutely no surprise to me that Jesse was so bothered about me defending my cards to him one day at Barnes & Noble. I was convinced it was in no way witchcraft or fortune-telling, and I think it really disappointed him that I didn't see the truth. It wasn't that I chose not to see the truth, it's that I didn't know the truth. I was completely ignorant.

It wasn't until this morning, years and years since I had purchased my first deck of tarot cards, that I learned the truth. God forbids any tactics that use anything else but Him for guidance or using something to try and tell the future. It's witchcraft and it's a sin....

"The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God." Gal5:19-21

"Saul died because he was unfaithful to the LORD; he did not keep the word of the LORD and even consulted a medium for guidance, ¹⁴ and did not inquire of the LORD. So the LORD put him to death and turned the kingdom over to David son of Jesse." 1Chr10:13-14

So, I took a big step today in my walk with Christ. I kneeled down before my bookshelf where my decks of cards and my books sat, and I proclaimed them witchcraft. I vowed to the Lord that He was the only one I would turn to for guidance and I repented for ever using anything to somehow know His will. Then, I put them all in a garbage bag and walked out to my garbage cans. As I walked, I felt such an overwhelming sense of joy flow into my veins and I couldn't help but weep across the parking lot to the garbage. It felt incredible and so liberating to throw that plastic bag into the past and walk away with one less burden on my shoulders.

Lessons

When I was born as a Christian, I was so far from understanding exactly what Christianity was. I lived according to what I learned throughout my life, being baptized a Catholic. What this meant was I did an awful lot of judging. The person I judged the most was Jesse, by far. I saw where he struggled as a Christian and what his downfalls were, and criticized him for that. Of course, for whatever reason, I didn't realize I was doing a lot of the same things. More importantly, I wasn't there as a support to someone who has some struggles in their walk with Christ, someone who I really did love. Instead, I was just a confused, uninformed and critical baby Christian who just thought she had it all together. I mean, I'm sure that's another reason why God had it in His will for us to break up. It wasn't until we were apart that I realized that his struggles were no different, essentially, than anyone elses. Face it, we are sinners, and as much as I wanted to think that I was any more pure or sinless than someone else, I was wrong. I was missing the whole point. Jesus died on that cross as a sacrifice to those who believed in Him so that they could be free from sin and shame. That doesn't mean there is no reason not to sin freely, it just means that God understands we're not perfect; we'll never be like Him. At least there is a way to be forgiven for that. So, for me to be critical of someone for their sins is just unfair and I am sorry to Jesse for doing that to him.

Lord, tonight I thank you from the depths of my heart for teaching me the lessons I need to learn in order to be successful in this life. Everything comes at a price, though, and I understand that. I understand that in order for me to be learning everything I'm learning, I couldn't be with Jesse as much as I may have felt love for him. You are showing me things about myself, about relationships and about You that I would never have learned otherwise. I thank You for surrounding me with such loving and caring people. I feel so blessed for the opportunities You are giving me and the way You are molding me. I am Your clay, Lord, and I am ready to be handled and shaped into something beautiful. In the name of Jesus, I say Amen.

Back again

It seems so easy to develop bad habits like biting your nails or not flossing your teeth or even something as bad as smoking cigarettes. But, when it comes to developing habits/routines that are good for you... lots of things just don't happen. If I couldn't stop working out or making salads or reading the Bible or writing in my blog, I'd have it made! So, needless to say, I'm not that good at being regular in my blog. But I try.

I'm starting a new chapter in my life that I find pretty exciting so far! In a summary, since it's almost time for bed, I have found my independence again and I'm embracing life as a single woman. I'm truly blessed by the Lord because He put me exactly where I needed to be at this point in my life and I couldn't be more thankful.

My spiritual walk is going well. I have started getting into the Word more, using a study guide that Pastor Eric gave me to use. I haven't gotten that far in it (remember the habits paragraph), but I'm excited to keep going through it and learning as much as I can in order to strengthen my relationship with Christ and get to know God the best I can.

I feel fortunate to have this time in my life to be single and figure out who I am and seek God in order to find out what my desires are and where my path is going to take me. When God sees me ready, He will reveal to me the man He has promised me, and I'll look back on these days in my journey and be glad that I lived them to the fullest.