Breaking cycles

The next step that I feel God has put before me looks like it's going to be one of the tougher steps so far...

As days go on in this season of my life, I am noticing definite cycles in different areas of my life. These cycles all pertain to habits that are 20 years in the making--so, reversing 20-year-old habits... well, at least they're not 30-year-old habits, but this might make the process a little longer.

It's not really necessary for me to go on and on listing the details of everything I want to change. I don't want to cross the line between self-improvement and being too hard on myself. Maybe I just feel like the first couple of months in this new season were filled with steps and lessons. Now, I feel stuck in a rut and have stopped progressing. Progressing to what? The best answers I can give to that is progressing to being an adult, not just by age, and progressing to being prepared for the next season, whatever that may entail. After the breakup, it seemed loud and clear to me that this time in my life was to be used for a huge amount of personal growth and, now, reversing habits. The second part might just be a little tougher.

That's just me thinking out loud.

One extremely positive step I am taking in my life is being a part of the womens support group at Jacob's Well. Since the church has existed, I've been searching for my real place within the church. Being that I'm not a part of a family in the church, it has been a lot harder to connect with people there. There aren't exactly an abundance of single 20somethings hanging around. So, the next idea is to be a part of some group or series of activities. I had all these little ideas floating around in my head, and either they had already been thought of, or it was just one of those things that fizzled out. Unfortunately, my life seems to have a lot of those fizzling-out ideas. But finally, this root has seemed to fall right into my lap. Maybe in this case, it wasn't me who had to think of the idea and carry it out. And now after knowing I'm going to be a part of this support group, I see clearly why the other ventures went nowhere. This is where I belong. I'm very excited to stand up in front of other women and share my story and provide an outlet to women who might just need someone to listen to them, or someone to pray with. And while I am available as that, I never want to give anybody the impression that I have my stuff together, by any means! Just look at this blog; it's totally obvious that I don't. :) ...but something that is important to remember is that that's okay! God still loves us despite our imperfections and our untraveled journeys. And that's the truth.

God: The Natural Anti-depressant

In a very rough time of my life, after beginning to see a counselor when I was 16, we decided that it would be in my best interest to begin taking an anti-depressant. I was never really consistent with it, which in essence made me even more emotionally unstable. Nonetheless, whenever I took my medicine every day and it got in my system, I would have these random spurts of "joy" I guess you could say. It was like a wave of happiness.. that's the only way I can describe it. I would just be doing something no out of the ordinary, like standing at the scanner at work scanning pages and then I would feel so much happiness that I couldn't help but smile. It would go away quickly, but that's usually what made me realize that the medicine had kicked in. Whenever I would stop taking the meds for a while, I'd really miss that feeling.

As of recent, something really wonderful has been happening--without being on medication, I've been experiencing lots of waves of joy. I strongly feel that God has blessed me in a huge way by balancing the chemicals in my brain and relieving me of my crippling anxiety and depression.

I feel more stable and balanced than I ever have in my life.

Running to Jesus

Last night I caught part of a radio show on Positive Life Radio, and it was about Christian singles. I can't remember what one of the men said word-for-word, but he said something basically along the lines of run as fast and as hard as you can to Jesus Christ, and while you're running, if you happen to see someone else running with you, take a second look.

That statement is very revelant to my life right now. I know that since I've been a single woman, God has a list of things He'd like me to figure out and accomplish before He brings somebody new into my life. Therefore, it's my job to really focus on myself and get in touch with what God wants me to do. I think that at this point, I've done a very good job with this. I have been studying the Word, reading books that are relevant for my life, staying very obedient to God, and figuring out the steps to making myself and my life better. I'm on a journey--hopefully a quick one. Maybe that's why some people have huge amounts of time between relationships; they just take a long time to do what God's waiting for them to figure out. Just a thought.

I'm not saying I expect a new relationship any sooner than anyone else or any sooner than God has planned, for that matter. I think I'm just making sure that I take this time in my life and educate myself as much as I can. I'm all about learning right now. Whenever I am talking to someone about something new I've learned about life/my life, I refer it to "taking the next step" which makes it even more ironic that I listen to a radio program that symbolizes a Christian single's life as a journey of sorts.