Balance

I just have to keep reminding myself... you will never be perfect.

My life slowly evolved into a desperate effort to make everything absolutely flawless. I don't mean as a whole, I mean every single detail, from having a conversation, to typing a word on the computer, to driving from point A to point B without making any mistakes... I literally mean everything.

And yes, I could blame this on my parents, too. If I try hard enough, I can take every flaw I have and blame it on my parents.

I've realized, however, that there comes a point in one's life where blaming everyone else for one's own problems is no solution. Instead, it's a hinderance to overcoming problems. It's an excuse for taking responsibility. That's what I've been doing.

Sure, maybe in this case, my parents did seem to expect a lot out of me. It was only natural, though--I'm the only child. I was the only one there to pay attention to and focus on. But I took that and made it into something more than it was. I failed to draw a line between doing my best and striving for perfection. God loves me because I'm not perfect. But my heart was an empty place when I lost sight of what doing my best was. Now, it's just time to reverse those unrealistic goals, and instead learn life's limitations and find balance.

I've always been pretty detail-oriented, and I know what I want to be doing in my life. Maybe I don't know what I want in 10 years, but I do know what I want now. I pray to God for guidance and balance in my life, that He will direct me to the people who can help me find my identity and get comfortable in my skin. I have faith that He will help me do this... I just pray that this constant feeling of panic in the very back of my mind will go away and stop interfering with my daily thoughts. I just need some peace in my head and some patience. He will come through for me.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm going to topple over from being so unbalanced.