Just Waiting

What in the world am I trying to say here... I keep typing an opening sentence and deleting it because it's not elegant and poetic enough. Who am I trying to impress here?

I just want to express my fear, that's all. Of course, it won't do any good to talk about how nervous and petrified I am about the upcoming months, seeing as how it won't change the outcome. Maybe it's worth blogging about, though, for the simple fact that it passes 20 minutes, and that gets me 20 minutes closer to an outcome that will change my life dramatically.

I'm trying to be strong in this chapter of my life, and it's working pretty well, I must say. But inside I'm really going crazy with anxiety. We're basically at the point in our relationship (or whatever you want to call it) where we have no choice but to sit back and wait until God shows us what his plan is for the future of "us," or lack thereof.

It mostly depends on when/where Jacob gets his new job. He doesn't want to move out of Spokane necessarily, but there realistically is more opportunity for him somewhere else, like the Seattle area, for instance. He has an interview in Everett this Friday. I'm very supportive of him finding a new good job, even if it is out of town. I know how important this next step is for him, so who would I be to burden him with how it would affect me? But, seeing as how we have spent the last 3 months or so getting very close, it's really an undeniable thing, our feelings for each other. I know that his feelings for me would not keep him from moving away, and that's okay with me-I wouldn't want him to do that. But, would he want me to be with him in a new city? That's the big question.

Well, we did have a long conversation about this whole subject, and I did bring that apsect up to him, and he said it was really just too soon to tell yet. That wasn't exactly the answer I wanted to hear, but it's truly the most logical answer. It really is too soon to know how promising of a future we could have together. Things like that take time to determine. I know that, but sometimes those 'in love' feelings cloud my judgment a little. The problem is that we don't exactly have a whole lot of time to figure out what kind of future we could have before he finds a job and possibly moves away. Then what?

I just go in circles when I think about all of the ways this situation could go. Maybe he won't have to move at all! Maybe he will move but want me there and everything will just go 100% smoothly. Maybe he will have to move but won't feel like we have enough of a future to have me somewhere else with him. Maybe this, maybe that, maybe maybe maybe...can you see my head spinning now?! When I start thinking about all of the possibilities, I just start panicing inside. I think about how happy I would feel if he said he wanted me to be with him, and I think about how crushed I would feel if he said he didn't. My heart is really in the palm of his hand right now, just waiting for the next move. But I can't be mad at him... I put it there. What sets me a little bit at ease is the fact that he hopes it works out as much as I do.

So, this whole thing is really just in God's hands. If He wants us to be together, HE will make it possible, no matter where Jacob goes, no matter what happens. I know that God has our best interest in mind (as I've said here before and said to myself numerous times), but it's just this waiting thing that is so difficult. I'm feeling vulnerable (and really past the point of putting my guard back up, I'm in over my head...where God sometimes wants us to be, I guess) and risking my heart for something that just feels so incredible and so right, but at the same time isn't a guarantee. But through this terribly difficult time in my life, I've gotten to know a fantastic person, and I've learned so much about myself and have grown so much as a person. I really do feel like there is a light at the end of this tunnel, though. I feel like there is a blessing on its way, I just have to be patient and trust God through every thought and worry. He'll take care of the rest. And that's what lets me sleep at night.