Tonight's Prayer

Father God... I appologize for the moments where I lack in my faith for You. I know that You are the superior One and You have a plan for me and my life, but I hope You understand that I am only human, and the worldly influences win me over sometimes. I suppose that's just the enemy telling me that I should be lonely if I don't have a relationship. The enemy is trying to tell me that I don't have anything in my life and I am not worth anything. I rebuke those thoughts and feelings in the name of Jesus, they are all lies! You see my worth and beauty, after all, I was created in Your image, and I just know that You are preparing me and this world for what I have to offer. I trust in You that You know what You're doing. I absolutely cannot let the feelings and the enemy get to me and bring me down. You have blessed me with a supportive family and supportive friends, and I thank You for that. Thank You for everyone at Jacob's Well and how much they've made me feel welcome and made me feel like I belong there even though I'm not Jesse's girlfriend anymore. Lord, I must realize and accept the fact that I can't control what Jesse does with his life. I can care about him, but that's all. You have a plan for his life too. I just need to trust YOU, and nothing else. There will come a day when my puzzle of life will be completed and I will look back on these days and thank You even more for giving me this strength. I'm trusting in You, Father... I'll just sit back, enjoy every sunny day, and let You do Your work. Amen.

Dreading the Positive?

Tonight I'm sitting on my couch here debating on whether I want--or have the emotional capacity--to go to church tomorrow. I discovered how hard it was to see "them" together-even if they are just friends. I know the special place she'll always have in his heart, and that is something that I absolutely have to accept. Seeing them on Thursday was extremely hard for me. I had to fight tears the whole time. Not necessarily because I wish I were her or I were still with him or anything... instead, it was just more of a mourning over loss of that male attention. Maybe it's the enemy who keeps making me feel like I can't be okay without male attention. In fact, I think the enemy is even responsible for me feeling so lnoely. He's seeing his opportunities to hit me with the same insecurities he did when I was single a year ago. That is something I need to focus on overcoming, quickly.

But, back to the church thing. I love going to church and being with Pastor and the families and just being in that presence. But it's so, so hard for me to see "them" right now. I just feel so emotionally drained right now. I know I'm going to have to see them on Wednesday at the wedding... maybe I just feel like I need a few days to recharge my strength. What is frustrating is that wouldn't being at church make me feel stronger? You'd think so. But it's so hard, and I'm feeling tired and not-so-strong right now. I really don't want to be a soggy mess in front of him anymore. I 200% know and understand God's reasoning for us not being together anymore. I see the lack of compatibility and no matter which angle I look at it, it just won't work. Okay, so knowing that, why am I sad to see him with her? (I know, they're just friends, but still...) It just makes me lonely, I suppose. But I am feeling a sense of dread tonight about going because I feel a breakdown coming on and I don't want it to be there. I hope God understands that I just need a break, not from him, but from this constant fatigue on my emotions.

He Caught Me

Speaking with Deborah last night, I came to a very profound and shocking realization...

At about this time last year, my heart was in a very dark place. I made a vow to just plain stop caring about life and what I did. I turned into a very cynical and detached person. I didn't even think there was a God. I had absolutely no faith.

I went camping with my family and one night I was walking to my tent and noticed how beautiful the night sky was. The stars were shining so prominent and I was captivated by the beauty. As it happened a few times a year, I felt inspired to pray I guess. I laid down in my tent and talked to the God that I didn't think was there, just in case He was.

God, I don't even know if you're there, but in case you are, I just want you to know that I'm ready for someone to love. I've been alone for three years now, and I have so much love and caring in my heart to give that I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't have a place for this love to go.

Seriously, not even a month later, I was dating Jesse. I was so incredibly in love with him and the fact that somebody came along for me to love was enough to give me faith that there really was a God up there and that He did listen to me.

Now that Jesse and I are not together anymore, I wondered what God's intention was in bringing us together, if not to be together. I know we're meant to be in each others' lives, but not as a couple at this point. It turns out that Jesse was just the bait.

I thought the whole time that when I prayed for someone to love, God gave me Jesse. But, in reality, God gave me himself.

Seeking Joy

Being that I have only understood the vital importance of having faith, I lived a life of dependence on situations and circumstances for happiness. When things would go the way I wanted them to or luck happened to be on my side, I felt happy. But, once things started going a little haywire in my life (i.e. stress, family issues, friend/relationship issues, etc.), I was so miserable.

What kind of life is that? Being controlled by outside influences and not having any resources for happiness within myself... Thank God for faith.

I want to be somebody who always has a sense of joy, no matter the time or place. That's another thing that Jesse taught me; unconditional optimism and joy. Every day, I'm more and more thankful for having faith in God. He gives me so much comfort and hope, no matter what happens.

God may have closed one door but it's amazing the doors He's opening for me all the time.

Put to the Test

Joy gave me a Bible verse today that is the exact aspect of God that I take the most comfort in right now...

"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope." -- Jeremiah 29:11

That verse, right there, is what is keeping me going right now. It's giving me strength and hope for the future.

Today I'm being put to the test with this desire to just let go. During church, I saw Jesse proceeding to jump on the phone right after church and talk way longer than he usually does. I came to church strong and I left strong. I know in my heart that I am moving forward every day and I'm proud of myself for that. I want to see Jesse move forward as well, realizing things about himself, but I must realize that I simply cannot control or even worry about his personal growth. He is going to grow at the pace he wants to grow, and if he stays exactly the same as he is now, I should just be thankful that I was moved to another place by God by which I could flourish and grow freely.

But, not knowing who he was texting and talking to really started getting to me. I went through all the normal girly thoughts, is it a girl? who is it who is it I have to know! And those thoughts stuck with me throughout most of this afternoon. Finally, I got to a point where it was bringing me down and irritating me. When I talked to LeeElla, she was quick to point out that this is probably a test to see if I can let go. I can't control Jesse. It's as simple as that. I was never able to and I never will be able to. I can care about him and be hopeful and pray that he grows into a fantastic man, but that's all I can do. Endlessly wondering what he's doing, how he's doing and who he's talking to is just a burden on my shoulders that by not being with him should have allievated.

I made the choice to let it bother me, now it's time to make the choice to forget about it and press forward through my day.

When I lay in my bed at night, I feel like God has His hand on my shoulder. Trust me, child, He says, I know what I'm doing. He's carrying me across the sands of this trying time. He understands and is sorry that this time isn't easy for me, but He has a plan for me and my life, and being in a relationship with Jesse at this point was not part of the plan. I already feel that in this last 10 days that I've grown inside so much. I'm surprised by my strength every day. Is this really me? I feel like God is my designated hitter and he's stepped in for me. I'm excited for what He has in store for me. I really feel like He is preparing me for something big and great. I can only sit back and wait patiently for what it is, having faith in Him.

Lonely? Sometimes

Alone? Never

Letting Go

God and I had a conversation the other day about my life. He told me that I don't need to be stressed out all the time. I don't have to try to control situations and circumstances. That is not my job. That is His job. I'm wasting too much time and energy trying to do God's job. He has a plan for me and my life and nothing I do is going to change that. So why waste all of that energy?

I'm putting my life in my hands and saying... God, here is my life, it is yours... just take it.

With this realization and decision, I feel so much sadness that I couldn't realize this sooner. Maybe my relationship with Jesse could've been spared. That was one of the biggest issues.

Of course, that is dwelling on the past and wasting time on being sad about things that have already happened. The Lord has chosen this path for my life, and I must make the best of it. I put all of my trust and faith in God and believe 100% that He will do what's best for me and He has somebody picked out for me with whom I'm to spend the rest of my life. I need to be patient and focus on me until that day comes, because when it comes, I'm no longer my individual person.

I'm only human, though. Of course I'm lonely. I really do miss him. That's just me being real.

Learning

My relationship with Jesse was probably the most educational relationships I've ever had... in fact, I'm sure of it. Every day since I've started the new chapter of my life, I've learned something new about myself, about relationships, about how they should be, about what I want from one, etc. etc. etc. On one hand it's really encouraging and gives me hope for the future of my love life, on the other hand it just feels so far away. Do I have to wait years like I did before before God brings me anybody else? I suppose that's just something I don't get to know. I take comfort in knowing that God will send me 'the one' when He's good and ready to, and when I'm at least semi-ready. But the human side of me just feels lonely.

I sat outside last night and watch quite possibly the most incredible lightning storm I had ever seen. I was on the lakefront, unobstructed by buildings and street lights, so it was so clear to see. It almost seemed like there were numerous storms all around us, practically surounding the area. I would see some fireworks going off, then it was like God said, "Watch this!" and the sky completely lit up with sideways bolts of lightning. I spent a lot of that time feeling sad and lonely, wishing that I just had somebody to share those dramatic moments with. I prayed to God as the wind kicked up that He would just blow away my pain with the wind. I realized that I was letting loneliness ruin an incredible thunderstorm. I love thunderstorms and from there, focused on that. It was just so intense.

While being at this lake, I observed a relationship between two of my friends and most definitely saw what I didn't want a relationship to be. She spent the whole evening ordering him around, asking for favors, bring me this, bring me that, do this, do that, whatever you could think of. He did absolutely everything for her with no complaints at all. Seem like love? Maybe, but lust? Absolutely. As long as she continues to sleep with him, he'll continue to be at her beckoning call. They bicker all the time, but it just seems like as long as they get their physical enjoyment ouf of it, why not just settle? I refuse, and I mean refuse to have a relationship based on that physical aspect. I want a man to do something for me just because he loves me, not because of what he gets or expects out of doing it. It makes me sick.

I learned that at this point in my life, being that I am apparently an adult now, dating isn't just about having a good time anymore. You have to have that question in the back of your head, "could this be the one?" Maybe not all the time, but in the long-run, you do. I tried to ignore that with Jesse, especially when I had doubts. I'm okay with things now, oh well oh well. Well, in the end that was the first sign of a soon-to-fail relationship. I know now that I definitely can't settle, and I need to take more time having a friendship with someone before I just jump into a relationship.

Honestly, I won't hide the fact that I'm sad that we didn't work out. I try so hard to call to God for comfort and strength in the situation, but he doesn't let me forget that I have feelings and it's only natural to be upset about the end of a relationship.

I just want to fast forward and be fine again. I hope He knows what He's doing.

God is my Girlfriend

God is like that brutally honest girlfriend that you have. She's the one who isn't afraid to just tell it like it is, even if it creates drama in friendships or severs relationships. She can't sit back and watch you get hurt, she has to say something, even if it changes your life drastically.

God didn't want me to be hurt anymore, He didn't want me to be unhappy. He has saved me from a situation that was only going to get worse and worse as every day passed. Even though it made me have to go through a period of mourning, He's going to be by my side every step of the way to make sure I'm okay. He is showing me what kind of person I was giving my attention to and letting disrespect me on a daily basis. He saved me from this person and is giving me the opportunity to do so much personal growth and leave him in the dust.

What's funny is that at BLAZE, God not only told me to talk to Mellisa, He also told me to be prepared for Jesse and her to be together again. Of course, Jesse said no way, but look how things are lining up; he and I broke up, Mellisa and her boyfriend broke up, and now they're spending time together.

On one hand, it makes me sick to my stomach. But on the other hand, I pray to this God who saved me to save her too.

I'm a survivor.