Learning

My relationship with Jesse was probably the most educational relationships I've ever had... in fact, I'm sure of it. Every day since I've started the new chapter of my life, I've learned something new about myself, about relationships, about how they should be, about what I want from one, etc. etc. etc. On one hand it's really encouraging and gives me hope for the future of my love life, on the other hand it just feels so far away. Do I have to wait years like I did before before God brings me anybody else? I suppose that's just something I don't get to know. I take comfort in knowing that God will send me 'the one' when He's good and ready to, and when I'm at least semi-ready. But the human side of me just feels lonely.

I sat outside last night and watch quite possibly the most incredible lightning storm I had ever seen. I was on the lakefront, unobstructed by buildings and street lights, so it was so clear to see. It almost seemed like there were numerous storms all around us, practically surounding the area. I would see some fireworks going off, then it was like God said, "Watch this!" and the sky completely lit up with sideways bolts of lightning. I spent a lot of that time feeling sad and lonely, wishing that I just had somebody to share those dramatic moments with. I prayed to God as the wind kicked up that He would just blow away my pain with the wind. I realized that I was letting loneliness ruin an incredible thunderstorm. I love thunderstorms and from there, focused on that. It was just so intense.

While being at this lake, I observed a relationship between two of my friends and most definitely saw what I didn't want a relationship to be. She spent the whole evening ordering him around, asking for favors, bring me this, bring me that, do this, do that, whatever you could think of. He did absolutely everything for her with no complaints at all. Seem like love? Maybe, but lust? Absolutely. As long as she continues to sleep with him, he'll continue to be at her beckoning call. They bicker all the time, but it just seems like as long as they get their physical enjoyment ouf of it, why not just settle? I refuse, and I mean refuse to have a relationship based on that physical aspect. I want a man to do something for me just because he loves me, not because of what he gets or expects out of doing it. It makes me sick.

I learned that at this point in my life, being that I am apparently an adult now, dating isn't just about having a good time anymore. You have to have that question in the back of your head, "could this be the one?" Maybe not all the time, but in the long-run, you do. I tried to ignore that with Jesse, especially when I had doubts. I'm okay with things now, oh well oh well. Well, in the end that was the first sign of a soon-to-fail relationship. I know now that I definitely can't settle, and I need to take more time having a friendship with someone before I just jump into a relationship.

Honestly, I won't hide the fact that I'm sad that we didn't work out. I try so hard to call to God for comfort and strength in the situation, but he doesn't let me forget that I have feelings and it's only natural to be upset about the end of a relationship.

I just want to fast forward and be fine again. I hope He knows what He's doing.