Dreading the Positive?

Tonight I'm sitting on my couch here debating on whether I want--or have the emotional capacity--to go to church tomorrow. I discovered how hard it was to see "them" together-even if they are just friends. I know the special place she'll always have in his heart, and that is something that I absolutely have to accept. Seeing them on Thursday was extremely hard for me. I had to fight tears the whole time. Not necessarily because I wish I were her or I were still with him or anything... instead, it was just more of a mourning over loss of that male attention. Maybe it's the enemy who keeps making me feel like I can't be okay without male attention. In fact, I think the enemy is even responsible for me feeling so lnoely. He's seeing his opportunities to hit me with the same insecurities he did when I was single a year ago. That is something I need to focus on overcoming, quickly.

But, back to the church thing. I love going to church and being with Pastor and the families and just being in that presence. But it's so, so hard for me to see "them" right now. I just feel so emotionally drained right now. I know I'm going to have to see them on Wednesday at the wedding... maybe I just feel like I need a few days to recharge my strength. What is frustrating is that wouldn't being at church make me feel stronger? You'd think so. But it's so hard, and I'm feeling tired and not-so-strong right now. I really don't want to be a soggy mess in front of him anymore. I 200% know and understand God's reasoning for us not being together anymore. I see the lack of compatibility and no matter which angle I look at it, it just won't work. Okay, so knowing that, why am I sad to see him with her? (I know, they're just friends, but still...) It just makes me lonely, I suppose. But I am feeling a sense of dread tonight about going because I feel a breakdown coming on and I don't want it to be there. I hope God understands that I just need a break, not from him, but from this constant fatigue on my emotions.