Taking another step

I suppose it was only a matter of time before this happened...

I have spent the last 6 months of my spiritual walk predominantely sitting back and listening. I've attended my church and listened to my Pastor and other more experienced Christians than I and have soaked up the information like a sponge. Sounds normal, right? Sure, it's okay to listen, but what has been missing from my walk are my responses, my questions, and most importantly, my education.

My relationship with God has been almost all the way based on prayer alone. I haven't been taking advantage of the privilege I have to read His word and make decisions about my beliefs by myself.

It wasn't until a few days ago that this revelation slapped me in the face. I met a new friend who I have been talking to a lot lately. He is a Christian, but also a Seventh-Day Adventist, and a very passionate one at that. He has told me a lot about his faith and has used a lot of scripture to back it up. That has really made me realize how little I understand about Christianity and why I am doing what I'm doing. When he showed me the verses explaining, in particular, why he goes to church on Saturday, I had absolutely nothing to say about why I go to church on Sunday.

Frankly, it's very frustrating to realize my lack of knowledge about the Word. I'm merely going through the motions without any truth to show any sort of justification for why I do what I do. That is most definitely not the way I want to live.

So, it's just up to me to open that Bible and figure things out for myself.

But, what I already don't understand is why there are religions that do things so differently. My friend the SDA says that his religion follows the Bible the most word-to-word out of other religions and that a lot of other religions just interpret the Bible to fit the way they want to live, not the other way around. I would almost bet that someone who wasn't SDA would say the same thing about them. So, what is one to think? It's almost overwhelming to think about.

I went to church with my friend yesterday and didn't really see that many differencees between that church and the church I normally go to. The biggest difference, obviously, was that it was Saturday not Sunday. And I see the scripture clearly saying God rested on the seventh day, but who decided which day was the first day? It's just so confusing.

So, it's obvious that God has put this challenge in front of me to read His word and build a strong foundation so that I can go through my walk with more confidence and know why I am believing and living how I am. I praise God for putting these situations in front of me and thank Him for putting this new person in front of me.. he's great.

Inconsistent, but okay!

I don't have the internet in my new apartment yet, so getting online hasn't occured so much. I'm at Victoria's Espresso right now in the valley because they have free WiFi--it's great!

I'm noticing definite inconsistancy in my day-to-day behavior as far as being Christian goes. I don't mean that some days I pray all day and some days I do drugs and sleep around.. that's not it at all. I just notice that for about a week and a half to two week span, I'm really good about praying and generally building my relationship with God. But, I go through those times where He and I just don't talk much. I'm not sure why that is, but I suppose since I AM human afterall, I'm not going to be perfect with everything. It's also hard to stay consistent when I'm around so many people who aren't necessarily Godly, to say the least. AND I just had my 21st birthday. Now, I'm not going to lie here, I did go out and enjoy my birthday to the fullest extent, but as the enemy tempts me, I will be strong and do the right thing. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to stay away from every little thing that could potentially tempt me, but that's not living!..is it?

Right now I just desire to learn more about God and get into the Bible more and find out some answers for myself instead of just listening to everyone around me. But of course, it's hard to sit down and focus on things when you work and have things going on and have that enemy whispering in your ear giving you excuses NOT to read. :)

Either way, God is doing great things in my life right now, and I love Him for it!

No more pity party

Maybe you noticed, I deleted my last entry that should've been titled, "Pity Party," because that's exactly what I was doing when I wrote it. It is one thing to feel lonely, because I'm sure that happens to everyone, but I didn't do a very good job of expressing that. Instead, I made myself look like a picky, immature little girl searching for an imaginary and unrealistic friend. But, that's definitely not what I was trying to say. I'm just in a season of my life where I'm not doing very much in the social area, and I was feeling lonely at the time. But, I'm okay and look forward to moving and my birthday coming up in two weeks from today. :)

God's here

I know God is at work in my life because I am constantly being tested and constantly praying for His strength. He is the one thing that has kept my head held high and kept me strong through trying times lately. I don't see my trying times as negative. I see these times as God leading me to the next steps in His plan for my life. I know I'll come out on the other side of the tunnel with new wisdom and more maturity. That is what I want right now; I prayed for that. I pray for growth and strength and wisdom in my life. I pray for God to prepare my heart just how He wants.

The enemy sees me starting to do more positive things with my life and he is challenging me, trying to bring me down. But I just learned from, of all people, my massage therapist, that you're supposed to use scripture to rebuke the enemy because apparently he must flee if you do that. I didn't know that, and it's funny that no one else told me. They probably assumed I knew that, but there's so much I don't know. That's okay. It's better to have learned it now than never.

Today I went to Spencer and Jackie's house and watched Groundhog Day. It was a nice time watching the movie and then just chatting with them about random things. I was the only one who ended up showing up but it was still nice to get to know them a little better than before. I hope we can spend time together again.

Breaking cycles

The next step that I feel God has put before me looks like it's going to be one of the tougher steps so far...

As days go on in this season of my life, I am noticing definite cycles in different areas of my life. These cycles all pertain to habits that are 20 years in the making--so, reversing 20-year-old habits... well, at least they're not 30-year-old habits, but this might make the process a little longer.

It's not really necessary for me to go on and on listing the details of everything I want to change. I don't want to cross the line between self-improvement and being too hard on myself. Maybe I just feel like the first couple of months in this new season were filled with steps and lessons. Now, I feel stuck in a rut and have stopped progressing. Progressing to what? The best answers I can give to that is progressing to being an adult, not just by age, and progressing to being prepared for the next season, whatever that may entail. After the breakup, it seemed loud and clear to me that this time in my life was to be used for a huge amount of personal growth and, now, reversing habits. The second part might just be a little tougher.

That's just me thinking out loud.

One extremely positive step I am taking in my life is being a part of the womens support group at Jacob's Well. Since the church has existed, I've been searching for my real place within the church. Being that I'm not a part of a family in the church, it has been a lot harder to connect with people there. There aren't exactly an abundance of single 20somethings hanging around. So, the next idea is to be a part of some group or series of activities. I had all these little ideas floating around in my head, and either they had already been thought of, or it was just one of those things that fizzled out. Unfortunately, my life seems to have a lot of those fizzling-out ideas. But finally, this root has seemed to fall right into my lap. Maybe in this case, it wasn't me who had to think of the idea and carry it out. And now after knowing I'm going to be a part of this support group, I see clearly why the other ventures went nowhere. This is where I belong. I'm very excited to stand up in front of other women and share my story and provide an outlet to women who might just need someone to listen to them, or someone to pray with. And while I am available as that, I never want to give anybody the impression that I have my stuff together, by any means! Just look at this blog; it's totally obvious that I don't. :) ...but something that is important to remember is that that's okay! God still loves us despite our imperfections and our untraveled journeys. And that's the truth.

God: The Natural Anti-depressant

In a very rough time of my life, after beginning to see a counselor when I was 16, we decided that it would be in my best interest to begin taking an anti-depressant. I was never really consistent with it, which in essence made me even more emotionally unstable. Nonetheless, whenever I took my medicine every day and it got in my system, I would have these random spurts of "joy" I guess you could say. It was like a wave of happiness.. that's the only way I can describe it. I would just be doing something no out of the ordinary, like standing at the scanner at work scanning pages and then I would feel so much happiness that I couldn't help but smile. It would go away quickly, but that's usually what made me realize that the medicine had kicked in. Whenever I would stop taking the meds for a while, I'd really miss that feeling.

As of recent, something really wonderful has been happening--without being on medication, I've been experiencing lots of waves of joy. I strongly feel that God has blessed me in a huge way by balancing the chemicals in my brain and relieving me of my crippling anxiety and depression.

I feel more stable and balanced than I ever have in my life.

Running to Jesus

Last night I caught part of a radio show on Positive Life Radio, and it was about Christian singles. I can't remember what one of the men said word-for-word, but he said something basically along the lines of run as fast and as hard as you can to Jesus Christ, and while you're running, if you happen to see someone else running with you, take a second look.

That statement is very revelant to my life right now. I know that since I've been a single woman, God has a list of things He'd like me to figure out and accomplish before He brings somebody new into my life. Therefore, it's my job to really focus on myself and get in touch with what God wants me to do. I think that at this point, I've done a very good job with this. I have been studying the Word, reading books that are relevant for my life, staying very obedient to God, and figuring out the steps to making myself and my life better. I'm on a journey--hopefully a quick one. Maybe that's why some people have huge amounts of time between relationships; they just take a long time to do what God's waiting for them to figure out. Just a thought.

I'm not saying I expect a new relationship any sooner than anyone else or any sooner than God has planned, for that matter. I think I'm just making sure that I take this time in my life and educate myself as much as I can. I'm all about learning right now. Whenever I am talking to someone about something new I've learned about life/my life, I refer it to "taking the next step" which makes it even more ironic that I listen to a radio program that symbolizes a Christian single's life as a journey of sorts.

Fight Like a Girl

"I am always under the mistaken impression that if I can figure it out, then I can fix it. The truth is, there is just so much you can do, and then you have to surrender it to the Father. There is just so much you can say, and then you have said too much." -- Lisa Bevere, author of Fight Like a Girl

I'll tell you what... I have read more sentences in this book that are direct hits to my life as far as relevancy goes, than I've ever found before. I randomly came across this book, mind you, shortly after Jesse and I broke up, and I'm so glad I did. It was totally a God thing that I found this book. Right off the bat, it touched on issue after issue we had, things I had no idea about, just so much practical information for my life.

But TODAY!... Reading that paragraph, I was totally blown away by how much it applies to my life. I am just now in the midst of learning the lessons about trying to counsel in situations and actually making things worse by saying too much. She makes a great point for me--I may know the solution to a problem, or see who is in the wrong, or see what needs to change, but that doesn't mean, by any means, that I can, or that I even have the right to be the one fixing things. That is me trying to step into the role of my Lord, as opposed to letting Him do His will as He wants. I need to take a back-seat role to situations. And in the case of friends who decide to confide in me, I need to do a lot less talking and a lot more listening. It means enough that I am taking time out of my day to listen and be there as support. No one is expecting me to have all the answers and solve everything. I need to realize that.

"When we are no longer motivated by the earthly human need for acceptance, we will not feel driven to repeatedly prove ourselves right."

...

So, is it the enemy who is trying to make me feel like I miss him so much right now... or is it really my heart? Oh, I don't know. I'm battling with these feelings of what if, what if, what if and I've been half-tempted a few times to approach him with these feelings, but I know that's not a good idea, for a lot of reasons.

I started typing out questions starting with "What if..." and realized that if there are that many questions and worries about these feelings, then it's probably not a God thing. I just don't like when I get confused between which things are true God things and what is the enemy trying to pull the wool over my eyes again.

I think I just long for some companionship right now and he is the most recent thing I know of. If it's God's will, it'll happen. If it's His will. I have nothing to worry about. It's time for bed.

The Truth

Slowly but surely, God is weeding the garden of my life, removing the undesireable parts and throwing them out. He is making room for the seeds of His love to grow and flourish.

Even before I knew I had an enemy, he was trying to tempt me with things that would drive me further and further away from the Lord (just want he wanted, of course), and I was the perfect target for this. When I was about 16 I found an interest in tarot cards and bought a set to start reading for people. I thought it was so neat to lay out cards and tell someone something about their life that they know I had no idea about, but could decipher from the cards. I did it on and off for years, now owning two decks of cards. I even bought a book about palmistry, wanting to learn how to read palms and tell fortunes.

Today, it's absolutely no surprise to me that Jesse was so bothered about me defending my cards to him one day at Barnes & Noble. I was convinced it was in no way witchcraft or fortune-telling, and I think it really disappointed him that I didn't see the truth. It wasn't that I chose not to see the truth, it's that I didn't know the truth. I was completely ignorant.

It wasn't until this morning, years and years since I had purchased my first deck of tarot cards, that I learned the truth. God forbids any tactics that use anything else but Him for guidance or using something to try and tell the future. It's witchcraft and it's a sin....

"The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God." Gal5:19-21

"Saul died because he was unfaithful to the LORD; he did not keep the word of the LORD and even consulted a medium for guidance, ¹⁴ and did not inquire of the LORD. So the LORD put him to death and turned the kingdom over to David son of Jesse." 1Chr10:13-14

So, I took a big step today in my walk with Christ. I kneeled down before my bookshelf where my decks of cards and my books sat, and I proclaimed them witchcraft. I vowed to the Lord that He was the only one I would turn to for guidance and I repented for ever using anything to somehow know His will. Then, I put them all in a garbage bag and walked out to my garbage cans. As I walked, I felt such an overwhelming sense of joy flow into my veins and I couldn't help but weep across the parking lot to the garbage. It felt incredible and so liberating to throw that plastic bag into the past and walk away with one less burden on my shoulders.

Lessons

When I was born as a Christian, I was so far from understanding exactly what Christianity was. I lived according to what I learned throughout my life, being baptized a Catholic. What this meant was I did an awful lot of judging. The person I judged the most was Jesse, by far. I saw where he struggled as a Christian and what his downfalls were, and criticized him for that. Of course, for whatever reason, I didn't realize I was doing a lot of the same things. More importantly, I wasn't there as a support to someone who has some struggles in their walk with Christ, someone who I really did love. Instead, I was just a confused, uninformed and critical baby Christian who just thought she had it all together. I mean, I'm sure that's another reason why God had it in His will for us to break up. It wasn't until we were apart that I realized that his struggles were no different, essentially, than anyone elses. Face it, we are sinners, and as much as I wanted to think that I was any more pure or sinless than someone else, I was wrong. I was missing the whole point. Jesus died on that cross as a sacrifice to those who believed in Him so that they could be free from sin and shame. That doesn't mean there is no reason not to sin freely, it just means that God understands we're not perfect; we'll never be like Him. At least there is a way to be forgiven for that. So, for me to be critical of someone for their sins is just unfair and I am sorry to Jesse for doing that to him.

Lord, tonight I thank you from the depths of my heart for teaching me the lessons I need to learn in order to be successful in this life. Everything comes at a price, though, and I understand that. I understand that in order for me to be learning everything I'm learning, I couldn't be with Jesse as much as I may have felt love for him. You are showing me things about myself, about relationships and about You that I would never have learned otherwise. I thank You for surrounding me with such loving and caring people. I feel so blessed for the opportunities You are giving me and the way You are molding me. I am Your clay, Lord, and I am ready to be handled and shaped into something beautiful. In the name of Jesus, I say Amen.

Back again

It seems so easy to develop bad habits like biting your nails or not flossing your teeth or even something as bad as smoking cigarettes. But, when it comes to developing habits/routines that are good for you... lots of things just don't happen. If I couldn't stop working out or making salads or reading the Bible or writing in my blog, I'd have it made! So, needless to say, I'm not that good at being regular in my blog. But I try.

I'm starting a new chapter in my life that I find pretty exciting so far! In a summary, since it's almost time for bed, I have found my independence again and I'm embracing life as a single woman. I'm truly blessed by the Lord because He put me exactly where I needed to be at this point in my life and I couldn't be more thankful.

My spiritual walk is going well. I have started getting into the Word more, using a study guide that Pastor Eric gave me to use. I haven't gotten that far in it (remember the habits paragraph), but I'm excited to keep going through it and learning as much as I can in order to strengthen my relationship with Christ and get to know God the best I can.

I feel fortunate to have this time in my life to be single and figure out who I am and seek God in order to find out what my desires are and where my path is going to take me. When God sees me ready, He will reveal to me the man He has promised me, and I'll look back on these days in my journey and be glad that I lived them to the fullest.

Tonight's Prayer

Father God... I appologize for the moments where I lack in my faith for You. I know that You are the superior One and You have a plan for me and my life, but I hope You understand that I am only human, and the worldly influences win me over sometimes. I suppose that's just the enemy telling me that I should be lonely if I don't have a relationship. The enemy is trying to tell me that I don't have anything in my life and I am not worth anything. I rebuke those thoughts and feelings in the name of Jesus, they are all lies! You see my worth and beauty, after all, I was created in Your image, and I just know that You are preparing me and this world for what I have to offer. I trust in You that You know what You're doing. I absolutely cannot let the feelings and the enemy get to me and bring me down. You have blessed me with a supportive family and supportive friends, and I thank You for that. Thank You for everyone at Jacob's Well and how much they've made me feel welcome and made me feel like I belong there even though I'm not Jesse's girlfriend anymore. Lord, I must realize and accept the fact that I can't control what Jesse does with his life. I can care about him, but that's all. You have a plan for his life too. I just need to trust YOU, and nothing else. There will come a day when my puzzle of life will be completed and I will look back on these days and thank You even more for giving me this strength. I'm trusting in You, Father... I'll just sit back, enjoy every sunny day, and let You do Your work. Amen.

Dreading the Positive?

Tonight I'm sitting on my couch here debating on whether I want--or have the emotional capacity--to go to church tomorrow. I discovered how hard it was to see "them" together-even if they are just friends. I know the special place she'll always have in his heart, and that is something that I absolutely have to accept. Seeing them on Thursday was extremely hard for me. I had to fight tears the whole time. Not necessarily because I wish I were her or I were still with him or anything... instead, it was just more of a mourning over loss of that male attention. Maybe it's the enemy who keeps making me feel like I can't be okay without male attention. In fact, I think the enemy is even responsible for me feeling so lnoely. He's seeing his opportunities to hit me with the same insecurities he did when I was single a year ago. That is something I need to focus on overcoming, quickly.

But, back to the church thing. I love going to church and being with Pastor and the families and just being in that presence. But it's so, so hard for me to see "them" right now. I just feel so emotionally drained right now. I know I'm going to have to see them on Wednesday at the wedding... maybe I just feel like I need a few days to recharge my strength. What is frustrating is that wouldn't being at church make me feel stronger? You'd think so. But it's so hard, and I'm feeling tired and not-so-strong right now. I really don't want to be a soggy mess in front of him anymore. I 200% know and understand God's reasoning for us not being together anymore. I see the lack of compatibility and no matter which angle I look at it, it just won't work. Okay, so knowing that, why am I sad to see him with her? (I know, they're just friends, but still...) It just makes me lonely, I suppose. But I am feeling a sense of dread tonight about going because I feel a breakdown coming on and I don't want it to be there. I hope God understands that I just need a break, not from him, but from this constant fatigue on my emotions.

He Caught Me

Speaking with Deborah last night, I came to a very profound and shocking realization...

At about this time last year, my heart was in a very dark place. I made a vow to just plain stop caring about life and what I did. I turned into a very cynical and detached person. I didn't even think there was a God. I had absolutely no faith.

I went camping with my family and one night I was walking to my tent and noticed how beautiful the night sky was. The stars were shining so prominent and I was captivated by the beauty. As it happened a few times a year, I felt inspired to pray I guess. I laid down in my tent and talked to the God that I didn't think was there, just in case He was.

God, I don't even know if you're there, but in case you are, I just want you to know that I'm ready for someone to love. I've been alone for three years now, and I have so much love and caring in my heart to give that I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't have a place for this love to go.

Seriously, not even a month later, I was dating Jesse. I was so incredibly in love with him and the fact that somebody came along for me to love was enough to give me faith that there really was a God up there and that He did listen to me.

Now that Jesse and I are not together anymore, I wondered what God's intention was in bringing us together, if not to be together. I know we're meant to be in each others' lives, but not as a couple at this point. It turns out that Jesse was just the bait.

I thought the whole time that when I prayed for someone to love, God gave me Jesse. But, in reality, God gave me himself.

Seeking Joy

Being that I have only understood the vital importance of having faith, I lived a life of dependence on situations and circumstances for happiness. When things would go the way I wanted them to or luck happened to be on my side, I felt happy. But, once things started going a little haywire in my life (i.e. stress, family issues, friend/relationship issues, etc.), I was so miserable.

What kind of life is that? Being controlled by outside influences and not having any resources for happiness within myself... Thank God for faith.

I want to be somebody who always has a sense of joy, no matter the time or place. That's another thing that Jesse taught me; unconditional optimism and joy. Every day, I'm more and more thankful for having faith in God. He gives me so much comfort and hope, no matter what happens.

God may have closed one door but it's amazing the doors He's opening for me all the time.

Put to the Test

Joy gave me a Bible verse today that is the exact aspect of God that I take the most comfort in right now...

"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope." -- Jeremiah 29:11

That verse, right there, is what is keeping me going right now. It's giving me strength and hope for the future.

Today I'm being put to the test with this desire to just let go. During church, I saw Jesse proceeding to jump on the phone right after church and talk way longer than he usually does. I came to church strong and I left strong. I know in my heart that I am moving forward every day and I'm proud of myself for that. I want to see Jesse move forward as well, realizing things about himself, but I must realize that I simply cannot control or even worry about his personal growth. He is going to grow at the pace he wants to grow, and if he stays exactly the same as he is now, I should just be thankful that I was moved to another place by God by which I could flourish and grow freely.

But, not knowing who he was texting and talking to really started getting to me. I went through all the normal girly thoughts, is it a girl? who is it who is it I have to know! And those thoughts stuck with me throughout most of this afternoon. Finally, I got to a point where it was bringing me down and irritating me. When I talked to LeeElla, she was quick to point out that this is probably a test to see if I can let go. I can't control Jesse. It's as simple as that. I was never able to and I never will be able to. I can care about him and be hopeful and pray that he grows into a fantastic man, but that's all I can do. Endlessly wondering what he's doing, how he's doing and who he's talking to is just a burden on my shoulders that by not being with him should have allievated.

I made the choice to let it bother me, now it's time to make the choice to forget about it and press forward through my day.

When I lay in my bed at night, I feel like God has His hand on my shoulder. Trust me, child, He says, I know what I'm doing. He's carrying me across the sands of this trying time. He understands and is sorry that this time isn't easy for me, but He has a plan for me and my life, and being in a relationship with Jesse at this point was not part of the plan. I already feel that in this last 10 days that I've grown inside so much. I'm surprised by my strength every day. Is this really me? I feel like God is my designated hitter and he's stepped in for me. I'm excited for what He has in store for me. I really feel like He is preparing me for something big and great. I can only sit back and wait patiently for what it is, having faith in Him.

Lonely? Sometimes

Alone? Never

Letting Go

God and I had a conversation the other day about my life. He told me that I don't need to be stressed out all the time. I don't have to try to control situations and circumstances. That is not my job. That is His job. I'm wasting too much time and energy trying to do God's job. He has a plan for me and my life and nothing I do is going to change that. So why waste all of that energy?

I'm putting my life in my hands and saying... God, here is my life, it is yours... just take it.

With this realization and decision, I feel so much sadness that I couldn't realize this sooner. Maybe my relationship with Jesse could've been spared. That was one of the biggest issues.

Of course, that is dwelling on the past and wasting time on being sad about things that have already happened. The Lord has chosen this path for my life, and I must make the best of it. I put all of my trust and faith in God and believe 100% that He will do what's best for me and He has somebody picked out for me with whom I'm to spend the rest of my life. I need to be patient and focus on me until that day comes, because when it comes, I'm no longer my individual person.

I'm only human, though. Of course I'm lonely. I really do miss him. That's just me being real.

Learning

My relationship with Jesse was probably the most educational relationships I've ever had... in fact, I'm sure of it. Every day since I've started the new chapter of my life, I've learned something new about myself, about relationships, about how they should be, about what I want from one, etc. etc. etc. On one hand it's really encouraging and gives me hope for the future of my love life, on the other hand it just feels so far away. Do I have to wait years like I did before before God brings me anybody else? I suppose that's just something I don't get to know. I take comfort in knowing that God will send me 'the one' when He's good and ready to, and when I'm at least semi-ready. But the human side of me just feels lonely.

I sat outside last night and watch quite possibly the most incredible lightning storm I had ever seen. I was on the lakefront, unobstructed by buildings and street lights, so it was so clear to see. It almost seemed like there were numerous storms all around us, practically surounding the area. I would see some fireworks going off, then it was like God said, "Watch this!" and the sky completely lit up with sideways bolts of lightning. I spent a lot of that time feeling sad and lonely, wishing that I just had somebody to share those dramatic moments with. I prayed to God as the wind kicked up that He would just blow away my pain with the wind. I realized that I was letting loneliness ruin an incredible thunderstorm. I love thunderstorms and from there, focused on that. It was just so intense.

While being at this lake, I observed a relationship between two of my friends and most definitely saw what I didn't want a relationship to be. She spent the whole evening ordering him around, asking for favors, bring me this, bring me that, do this, do that, whatever you could think of. He did absolutely everything for her with no complaints at all. Seem like love? Maybe, but lust? Absolutely. As long as she continues to sleep with him, he'll continue to be at her beckoning call. They bicker all the time, but it just seems like as long as they get their physical enjoyment ouf of it, why not just settle? I refuse, and I mean refuse to have a relationship based on that physical aspect. I want a man to do something for me just because he loves me, not because of what he gets or expects out of doing it. It makes me sick.

I learned that at this point in my life, being that I am apparently an adult now, dating isn't just about having a good time anymore. You have to have that question in the back of your head, "could this be the one?" Maybe not all the time, but in the long-run, you do. I tried to ignore that with Jesse, especially when I had doubts. I'm okay with things now, oh well oh well. Well, in the end that was the first sign of a soon-to-fail relationship. I know now that I definitely can't settle, and I need to take more time having a friendship with someone before I just jump into a relationship.

Honestly, I won't hide the fact that I'm sad that we didn't work out. I try so hard to call to God for comfort and strength in the situation, but he doesn't let me forget that I have feelings and it's only natural to be upset about the end of a relationship.

I just want to fast forward and be fine again. I hope He knows what He's doing.

God is my Girlfriend

God is like that brutally honest girlfriend that you have. She's the one who isn't afraid to just tell it like it is, even if it creates drama in friendships or severs relationships. She can't sit back and watch you get hurt, she has to say something, even if it changes your life drastically.

God didn't want me to be hurt anymore, He didn't want me to be unhappy. He has saved me from a situation that was only going to get worse and worse as every day passed. Even though it made me have to go through a period of mourning, He's going to be by my side every step of the way to make sure I'm okay. He is showing me what kind of person I was giving my attention to and letting disrespect me on a daily basis. He saved me from this person and is giving me the opportunity to do so much personal growth and leave him in the dust.

What's funny is that at BLAZE, God not only told me to talk to Mellisa, He also told me to be prepared for Jesse and her to be together again. Of course, Jesse said no way, but look how things are lining up; he and I broke up, Mellisa and her boyfriend broke up, and now they're spending time together.

On one hand, it makes me sick to my stomach. But on the other hand, I pray to this God who saved me to save her too.

I'm a survivor.

A Disappointing Awakening

I woke up this morning and thought about the dream I had last night, and it made me so sad. It was a happy dream for everyone around me but not for me. Let me tell you about it...

Basically, it was a dream about the day of Jackie and Spencer's wedding. Jesse and I are invited, but in my dream I think I got there too late and couldn't get a seat inside the room. I had to stand outside of the room, instead, and watch as much as I could. The wedding was absolutely huge and of course, Jackie looked amazing and it was just such a beautiful time. I thought about how they must feel... being that they lived their pre-marriage relationship with Christian values. It was absolutely the beginning of a different life. That feeling is probably something that more and more soon-to-be married couples don't get to experience because they couldn't wait.

Anyway, in the dream, while they were standing around and everyone was greeting them, I went up to Jackie and hugged her. Then I started wailing and crying so hard because I was so, so admirable of her strength and ability to maintain purity. Also, I was crying because I knew that I would never, ever be able to have that same purity. For the rest of the dream, it was mostly just me crying wherever I was.

Then it was back to real life. This morning I ponder in my conscious mind and still can't even imagine how they must feel right now, being only a month from their wedding. They look like they're so in love, and they've done everything right. I'm so happy for them and I know I'm going to be crying at the wedding, but not in vain for my own self-pity, but in happiness for them. It's truly a joyous situation.

But since this is my blog, I am going to talk about myself.

My parents never said anything to me about staying pure until marriage. Today I try to understand why they didn't want me to wait, or care at least if I did. I know they both had their number of partners before they started dating, and they lived in sin too. Maybe they felt that I would use the, "practice what you preach" business. But I feel such a strong feeling of anger today because I wish so deeply that they would have tried to emphasize that to me. I'm also mad at myself for not figuring it out myself. As far as I am concerned now, there is no other way. So, a young 15-year-old girl with low self-esteem and no spiritual values is growing up and her hormones are developing. She has a boyfriend with the same lack of spiritual values--what do you think is going to happen? After that, it's easy to develop the, "who cares, it's no big deal" mindframe. You've already ruined yourself, why not just keep on going...

Then I found God. After 20 years, I finally have some glimpse of what purity is, and how important it is for an unmarried woman. Alas, my heart is broken. I think about how different I could've been today had I just valued myself. I didn't.

Honestly, I feel so far from pure right now. I feel saturated with sin and guilt. I sit here, about to explode with anxiety knowing that there's absolutely nothing I can do to change the past. I'm never going to have a Jackie and Spencer wedding. It just makes me sad. That's all.

Balance

I just have to keep reminding myself... you will never be perfect.

My life slowly evolved into a desperate effort to make everything absolutely flawless. I don't mean as a whole, I mean every single detail, from having a conversation, to typing a word on the computer, to driving from point A to point B without making any mistakes... I literally mean everything.

And yes, I could blame this on my parents, too. If I try hard enough, I can take every flaw I have and blame it on my parents.

I've realized, however, that there comes a point in one's life where blaming everyone else for one's own problems is no solution. Instead, it's a hinderance to overcoming problems. It's an excuse for taking responsibility. That's what I've been doing.

Sure, maybe in this case, my parents did seem to expect a lot out of me. It was only natural, though--I'm the only child. I was the only one there to pay attention to and focus on. But I took that and made it into something more than it was. I failed to draw a line between doing my best and striving for perfection. God loves me because I'm not perfect. But my heart was an empty place when I lost sight of what doing my best was. Now, it's just time to reverse those unrealistic goals, and instead learn life's limitations and find balance.

I've always been pretty detail-oriented, and I know what I want to be doing in my life. Maybe I don't know what I want in 10 years, but I do know what I want now. I pray to God for guidance and balance in my life, that He will direct me to the people who can help me find my identity and get comfortable in my skin. I have faith that He will help me do this... I just pray that this constant feeling of panic in the very back of my mind will go away and stop interfering with my daily thoughts. I just need some peace in my head and some patience. He will come through for me.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm going to topple over from being so unbalanced.

"Her"

All I had ever heard about her were negative things; what she did to him, how she hurt him, what kind of person she turned into, how she pretended to be...

I listened to all of that, and from that, formed my opinion. I jumped on the bandwagon of bitterness, even though I, personally, had never been involved myself.

So here I was, stepping into BLAZE for the first time, and then I saw her face. The planted feelings of frustration, anger, and WHY IS SHE HERE flew into my head and was shared amongst the person standing next to me. We sat down, she sat in front of us. Eventually, we moved to the back of the auditorium to remove ourselves from the feelings. Just her very sight brewed up feelings that surely didn't belong in a BLAZE conference. But wait, I didn't even know her. Oh well, I guess I already knew about her... from biased people, of course.

Pastor Eric's message was fantastic, and I felt even more convitcted. He called for people to approach the altar/stage area, and I immediately started forward... until I saw her there, too. I stopped and turned back to who I was by with hesitation on my face, but continued forward anyway.

I stood far away from her, but there was someone who wasn't about to let me forget.

Amongst my prayers for myself and my own issues, God spoke to me so loud and clear; talk to her. He said that to me, and then I began to sob, realizing what I've been doing this whole time; judging someone I didn't even know. How dare I ride along with people who have known her and just go right along with their feelings. I felt awful for making things so awkward. She was at church for the first time in a long time last weekend, and I could hardly focus because I felt so weird about her being there. But it's only been so awkward because we've made it that way.

So, I approached her.. and for the first time, we actually carried a conversation. It wasn't anything hugely significant, and it definitely wasn't the opening door to a beautiful friendship or anything, but it was enough to make at least me realize that there is going to be enough room in the church for the both of us. And even despite the things I've heard, it still said something that she was making the effort nonetheless. I have to respect that.

But then, and here's where I'm a little puzzled, I heard something new--they're going to be together again. I don't know if that was the Lord who said that or the enemy. It could be the enemy because it's something that worries me, but it could be the Lord because it would be good for the little one. I just know that whatever the case may be, I need to be prepared, yet enjoy the time I have with him because I never know when it'll change.

No Purpose? No Way!

I think about the Well everyday and I'm still excited for its future. I've been praying that God show me where I belong within the church. I know there is some way I can use my talents, but I've had a hard time finding where that is... Like I've said before, whenever one of those light bulbs goes off in my head and I call someone about it, I always hear that it's already been done. It makes me wish that I would've started thinking about things a long time ago, but everything happens for a reason. It's frustrating sometimes.

However, some light has been shed on my search for my purpose in the Well. I am passionate about music and the arts in general and want to use my musical talent as well as my creativity to be a part of the arts part of the Well. Of course, Eric did say people have already expressed interest in that aspect of things, but I wasn't surprised. I still told him that's where I felt I could be the best. I just couldn't help but feel that he doesn't exactly trust me 100% yet as far as my abilities go, but I want to show him that I am very much capable of having responsibility of something and doing a good job. I also have to show him, at the same time, that I'm not going to be one of those people who will go to church for a while then just disappear. I'm here to stay.

I just hope it works out.

Reversing the Damage

From what I've learned throughout my life, and particularly in Psych101 is that everybody, no matter who they are, is susceptible to depression. Everyone is capable of developing the chemical imbalance. It's mostly a matter of how high one's stress level gets. That's where one can be pushed over the edge.

Soon, no matter the circumstances of her/his life, he/she still feel a constant displeasure with life in general, and at first, not know why. The beginnings of these feelings are somewhat commonly known to start during adolesence, but of course, depression can begin at any age. Some people just adapt to this feeling and go on living their lives, but a lot literally feel something in their brains that just isn't right. Counselors are available to help a person discover their issues that have brought on the depression and overcome the misery, helping restore peace to his/her life.

Other times, the chemical imbalance requires medication. Medications like Prozac, Zoloft and Wellbutrin XL are designed to balance the chemicals in the brain, thus helping the imbalanced handle stressful situations better and reduce anxiety. It doesn't take long to feel the effects or for it to show, and usually anti-depressants have a pretty long half-life, so if you forget to take them for a few days, you won't fall back into the slump immediately.

However, if you do stop taking them for an extended period of time (i.e. Prozac's half-life is 21 days, so after three weeks), the chemical imbalance is unfortunately likely to reoccur. For an anti-depressant user, this creates a frustrating situation, especially if he/she doesn't immediately realize he/she hasn't been taking the medicine for a while. All of a sudden, old habits and attitudes start to resurface. Maybe you used to be a cutter or a scratcher and would use self-mutilation as a release from the intense and nearly unbearable emotional pain you were feeling. Depending on how much stress you are under, you may wind up feeling that overwhelmed again and thus result to the same habits. You know very well that there really are no benefits to cutting or scratching, for they just make you even more upset after you realized what you've done, but that helping hand you've had is gone and you didn't realize it until you were beyond the point of making it by yourself.

Once again, you're left laying in bed crying until you can hardly open your eyes, just wondering where you would be if you had just made taking those little pills a higher priority. Now it's time to start all over again. So the moral of this story is: Adrienne, just take your meds, okay?

Two Steps Back

I think I got a little ahead of myself here.

As of recent, I really felt my strength and the ambition to use it for great things. I pictured myself being, well, a lot more help than I have turned out to be when it came to Jacob's Well. And with the way I have let [and am letting] the enemy control my thoughts today, I think I'm still on the other side of the table yet--the side that still needs help. Going to church on Sundays just isn't enough. Even when I have something to say that's miniscule and can definitely wait, I will still use that as a reason to call Eric or LeeElla, more as just an excuse to absorb some of their positive energy because I need it. With almost every thought/idea I've had, though, it's been about something that's already been thought of, and that makes me so sad. I don't want to take a backseat to the whole process of putting things together, but I'm just slipping that way. I don't know what I can do, but I know I want to be important somehow. Anywho, I can't depend on those 2-minute conversations. I'm just waiting on pins and needles for a hope group or Bible study or something.

Today, a negative scenario played in my head beteween myself and just about everybody I know. I was a courier today, so I was out on the road with really, no way to escape myself... no one to talk to. I couldn't even get my hand to turn the dial to 104.5. I felt so far away from God today, and for that I feel heartbroken. I just want to get better--in every aspect of my life, for that matter--and I seem to be going the wrong way. Just when I thought I was really feeling good... one step forward, two steps back. It hurts...

Reminders

It's so considerate of God to remind me on an almost daily basis why it's been the right choice to believe in him. Something seems to happen everyday in my life that just makes me feel so much more loved in general than I've ever felt. For instance, yesterday when I got to church I just wasn't with it. My attitude was poor, for whatever reason, and I tried to hide it but couldn't. In past group situations, nobody would have even thought twice about it or even noticed, but yesterday I had two people approach me with a concerned look in their eyes, asking me if I was okay. I really had no explanation for it, but I knew I just needed a little God in my heart. It was incredible how I literally felt a difference in my face and body after service was over. During worship I kept my eyes closed the entire time and just let God's presence pour into my heart. By the end of service... I just can't describe it. I made sure to go up to Mike (one of the ones who approached me earlier) and showed him my difference. Eric asked me, "Coffee finally kick in?" And I said, "Nope, I just got a little God." It was great.

Today something happened to me that wasn't exactly the greatest situation, but later in the day the situation came back into my mind and God expressed to me how proud he was of my attitude in the situation. We had a blood drive at work this morning and I always kind of psych myself out a little about it. I've done it three times now and know exactly what to expect. Well, we got me all sat down, arm marked, iodine swabbed, totally ready to go. I close my eyes and feel the poke but it's a way more intense poke than I had remembered. At first I just thought I was being dramatic, but it turned out that they hadn't gotten in the vein; instead they hit a nerve! It was painful and the area bruised almost immediately. She yanked the needle out of my arm and then had the nerve to ask me, "Wanna try the other arm?" For a second, I was thinking is she CRAZY?! But after that, something told me to go for it. I was here to do a good thing, and just because it didn't go exactly right didn't mean I needed to storm out of the bus and be angry at these people. So, I scooted over to the other side and plopped my other arm down. It went fine and even though I had two colorful armbands for a while, I still felt good.

I feel that this situation happened to me today to remind me of a lesson that has plagued me for almost my whole life. Just because something is hard doesn't mean it's time to give up. I still catch myself wanting to give up when things are hard. Usually I've been lucky and had someone to hand the task over to, but today it was just me. It was all up to me to take it or leave it, and I'm so proud that I just went for it. I was wounded in battle, but went right back into the fight. I know life isn't going to be easy. It's definitely going to be challenging and test my every ounce of strength, but I won't give up. Today was big reminder of that for me, and I'm glad that God showed me this lesson today. I feel priveleged.

The "TMI" Blogger

I think I took a silly little blog test a while back that asked, "What kind of blogger are you?" and I'm pretty sure I scored myself as a "TMI Blogger." Now, when I was at LiveJournal, I had a gal on my friends list who talked about her periods and cramps and promiscuous sex life and of course I often wrinkled my nose and let out an, "EWW." She was more like a "Keep that #*$& to yourself" blogger, but, that was what was in her heart. Now, even though I personally wouldn't discuss my menstral characteristics on the blog, I still admired her courage to blog whatever she pleased without worrying about what others were going to think. I try to follow some of that same philosophy.

When I sit down at my laptop ready to blog, I sit with my heart on my sleeve. I'm not the kind of person who just writes about their day.... today I had a great day! I got up, went to work, stopped at my parents' house to feed the cat, came home and had leftover nachos with floppy chips and read the Bible. The end!...

I write what's in my heart. I've always felt that writing is theraputic, and of course I can't help myself resolve internal issues if I don't address them. There is only so much that talking to a counselor can do. I think after that step, there is a time where you have to sit and see your issues face-to-face. For me, writing about them is the best way.

Maybe some the things I've written about and will write about in the future are things that I wouldn't want to stand on a rooftop and shout, but I'm going to put myself out there. I also write of my issues here in hopes that maybe sometime someone with a similar issue will be browsing the net and happen to come across it. Maybe an idea I'll have will be something they've not thought about before. You just never know... but trust me, after the outpouring I did last week, there were a few moments where I had a slight feeling of panic and thought to myself, "Oh no, I posted that on my blog, didn't I.." but, those feeling pass and from that emerges a feeling of strength and presence of courage that I'm really in search of these days. So there ya go.

Stuck in Boxes

The ways of this world are grabbing a hold
Won't let me go, won't let me fly by
It takes it's toll down on my soul
‘Cause I know what I need in my life

Don't let me lose my sight of You
Don't let me lose my sight...

I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me on down
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me to the ground

"Gravity" -- Shawn McDonald

I feel a strong connection to that song. It describes my transition [and struggle] into having the life of a Christian. It also reminds me of Jesse and his struggle. It's the desire and knowledge of what is right and which way is the right way to go, but the struggle of being distracted, challanged and pulled astray by the negativities and temptations of the world. It was almost easier being a relentless sinner. Of course I would never trade this life for that life, but it most definitely takes a conscious effort of reminding yourself a lot about the Lord and that yes, He's still with you. Even now... and now... and now too.

Maybe that's why Jesse has a hard time staying with the Lord; he just forgets. I don't know exactly what it is, or what to do about it. I've been seeing a massage therapist lately, and at my latest appointment Tuesday, I found out she is a Christian and we had a very nice conversation. After the massage, we prayed! How cool is that? She prayed for my well-being, Jesse's overcoming of his ADD, and Jacob's Well. She pointed out that she felt that part of the ADD was truly a chemical ordeal, but its being out of control at times was most likely the enemy taking advantage of his tender places... that's what usually happens, anyway, isn't it? But her words gave me some more hope in the matter of righting the wrongs of my life and Jesse doing the same with his.

My life is kind of a mess right now. It's partly still in boxes, and honestly I don't feel very content right now. I'm just ignoring the issues I'm having with myself and trying to stay focused on what's truly important right now. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way; maybe I should make myself the most important. I don't really know what I'm saying right now. I just need to go pray. Enough of this typing.

Making the Choice

Two individuals, from entirely different worlds, find themselves in the same church, worshiping the same God. Their circumstances align and soon they find a common thread. They date, share things, and begin building a relationship. They are both Christians, thus making the decision to do things the right way [i.e. not living together, not having sex] is easy. So that's what they do.

After a number of years, they decide to marry. Before the wedding, the young man makes a vow to himself and God--if this wedding were to somehow not work, he would not be with anybody else. Of course, that's what the Bible says. If two people divorce--unless if it's because of an unfaithful woman--the man, should he choose to marry again, would be comitting adultery.

After a short time, the marriage falls apart, adultery is [presumed] committed by the woman, and a divorce is filed. Now sits the young man of only 20 wondering how he is going to be content with living single for the rest of his years. He prays, searching for answers... wondering why this happened, what he's supposed to do now. He tells God that if there is another woman that he is to be with and love, that she needs to be shown to him. And that very thing happened. It happened in the parking lot of a Mexican restaurant. It was a 'friend of a friend' with perhaps a darker look [such as that of his previous lover] with long, dark hair. To him, this was God showing him this woman he had questioned the existance of.

Nonetheless, these two individuals, from even more different backgrounds came together. She was a lost soul, slipping further and further into a cold-hearted, cynical life. But he swept her off her feet, so-to-speak. He opened her eyes to the wonders of God. He told her about the mindset of waiting until marriage to be intimate. Yet, the young woman, desperate for acceptance [particularly from a man], had used that sacred part of her soul with the wrong notion that that's how you got someone to like you. But something different had happened; he accepted her for her and her past mistakes. They began to date, unfortunately letting Satan turn an ignorant shoulder to the lifestyle of a Christian, both out of their own unanswered dilemmas. The Bible talks about divorce, but does it mention what one is to do after divorce? How does this young man reap the benefits of marriage, but just forget about them and turn his back on them to date someone after marriage? And how does this woman, already feeling neck-deep in mistakes, feel like she can turn around?

Here it is, nearly a year later. The young man struggles to reverse his mindset from marriage to dating, while the young woman has finally triumphed over her false thoughts of what is needed for acceptance, yet still doesn't know how to turn around all the way. She realizes that our Lord accepts her and loves her no matter what she does, even if she does sin. She wants to be a full-time Christian now, and knows her lover wants that same thing, but they find themselves constantly struggling to fight off the temptations, often losing. The young woman prays that God will show her the way to overcome the curses of her past that keep taking her eyes off of christ and the life she knows she deserves to have. After conversations one beautiful May day with some powerful sources, she comes to the conclusion that a rational, conscious choice must be made. She has decided to leave the mistakes in the past and become not just a little, but all the way reborn in God's eyes. She knows it will be hard and Satan will try even harder to take her off track, but the power of the Lord will prevail over evil and she will close yet another chapter in her life.

Everyday Struggle

I am becoming well aware of the enemy's incessant attempts to take me back. He really wants me. He knows exactly when my guard starts going down and that's when he decides to invade. Although it's extremely disappointing to see the enemy's affects on me--especially at places like Women of Faith and even Jacob's Well--I know that I will learn to better overcome those moments. You know what they say, "They didn't rebuild Rome overnight." It's a little hard right now to be on top of my game 24/7, and I don't doubt that's probably the case for everybody. We're all human--of course I'm going to have some weak moments. It's just too bad that those moments have to be in front of everyone.

I think back to last night at Jacob's Well and how silly I must have looked. I was feeling sorry for myself because nobody invited me to be a part of their projects. Why should that have even bothered me? The only explanation I have is that maybe I don't feel as "in" yet. I'm still so new and everybody has all of their memories and good times and bonding moments. I don't have that to share with anybody, and that makes me feel like the outsider a little, at least among the women. Of course the enemy had to see that weakness and practically ruin my night. He told me I wasn't making any difference in the cleaning and that I wasn't appreciated. And I believed him. That makes me so sad, but I have so much faith in God and I know He will help me get rid of those moments, or at least the frequency of them. It was embarrassing to not be able to get the look of self pity off of my face last night. I don't want the enemy to ruin all of my good nights. I won't let him... I just won't. It just takes faith and prayer every day, not just when I get around to it. It's an everyday struggle. But I know who will prevail...

Right Here

There are lots of things I can do.

I can be upset... I can be angry or frustrated.
I can be sad and cry
...I can even turn my heart off if I really want.
I can talk and express and use my words in desperation
I can pray and fast and hope to God that He guides us right.


But there's one thing I can't do when it comes to Jesse Finck...

I can't walk away from him.

Blindsided

Last Sunday at our latest meeting of Jacob's Well, we were all sharing and discussing some of the arrows that Satan had been firing at our lives, trying to hurt us of course. During those discussions, I was trying to think about some things that had been happening to me, but I couldn't think of anything. It made me feel strong... or lucky... or somehow privileged to be somehow spared from the efforts of the enemy to thwart our current plans.

I shouldn't kept my big mouth [er, mind] shut... he struck back with a vengence, especially after Monday.

There were two occasions in the last five days where Jesse and I's relationship almost ended. Last night during the cryfest was when I realized what was really happening here; I let my guard down and the enemy walked right in. He told me that I wasn't happy with Jesse, that nothing would make me happy enough, and that made me difficult and probably unbearable. He has been hitting me where it hurts, just like I was so proud of not feeling last week. I imagine he probably really angry that I could feel God's communication to me, so why not try to mess up my relationship? Alas, after Jesse and I parted, I got in my car and turned on 104.9 and sang along with some songs, making me feel so much better.

It's been so exciting and uplifting to see more and more develop in Jacob's Well, but I was very much blindsided by the enemy. Now, I know what it is, and whenever I feel those thoughts coming back, I'm gonna know what to do. All I have to do is say God's name and it's gone. It's a lesson well learned, and now I'll be ready next time it happens.

I could feel myself being weak and the enemy sneaking in yesterday. I had a long day... I was tired and vulnerable. When I went to Eric and LeeElla's house after work, I had a hard time even looking them in the eyes when I was talking to them because I just knew that I let the enemy in. I was ashamed and feel bad that I brought that feeling into their house. I'm comforted, though, by knowing that everyone has their weak moments. I'm only human. But He understands... I know He does.

Holy Nourishment

I fired up my blog over the weekend, but it's all been done from my dad's computer thus far which really limits me. I'm ready to really settle into this home, but alas I'm without pictures and while I still remember my name and what I'm about, it's just not really the same doing things here.

Taking that thought and expanding it a little [as I do with well, every thought], that same scenario can sort of relate to the waiting period between now and when I move into my new apartment. It's like, I can still live and have my same routines, but it's just not the same right now. Life is so up in the air. I'd be lying if I said that my preoccupation with moving wasn't at least slightly interfering with my 'responsible adult' thing. I completely forgot when my next counseling appointment was. In fact, I called my counselor to say I think my appointment is tomorrow and if so, I couldn't make it, only to find out that it was actually, er, yesterday. Whoops. But, oh well, what do you do? So, needless to say, I might be having a tough time as far as expanding the capacity of my mind to accomadate every single thing that is happening in my life...

Okay, I don't forget about God. I do make sure to remind myself of Him when I start to think about negative things. For example, last night I was in Jesse's house waiting for him to arrive. Being that I haven't felt exactly stellar about our relationship as of recent [Satan's firey darts.. they know where to hit me], I was really wanting to iron things out and establish that it wasn't us that was really the problem, it was just that the enemy is going for where it hurts. But I had a hard time at first being okay with the silent room I was sitting in. All of these horrible scenarios of us fighting and being sad and upset were flying through my head. After a few minutes of that, it really started to get on my nerves. But God made sure to politely remind me that it was that darn enemy trying to get to me again. So, in my head, I said, "In the name of Jesus I banish you from my mind and your efforts to ruin our time!" And whadda ya know... I felt peace. Boy, that was incredible to feel. It was like I was in a tornado that instantly faded away... all because I used our Lord's name in satan's direction. What a sissy. :)

If I can get him to go away, we all can.

I already miss our hope groups. It feels perfect to have a little extra serving of the Lord during the middle of the week. I know I start feeling weak at about this time. But, in the meantime, I managed by reading some of Eric's blog and then writing my own. I'm going to be okay afterall. I really am!

Burning

Popcorn and Soda make for a good writing environment. I've wanted to blog since this morning, even way before the story I was going to tell had ended.

God spoke to me in the most powerful way today. I couldn't believe how strong he came at me, how much it caught me off guard, and how incredible it felt. After my amazing and emotional weekend, the connection between me and God has become so clear to me. I can't describe exactly how I feel about it... that's how strong it is.

I usually drive to Cheney everyday at 10.30 for a delivery route, but today I started going to Cheney and then Liberty Lake. Pretty sweet deal, don't you think? I leave at 10.30 after being at work for only 2.5 hours, then by the time I get back to the office, it's basically lunch time. I'm blessed; God knows what kind of things make me content in a job and He has provided me with those things. Anyway, on the way from Cheney to L.L., I decided to take a quick detour and stop by the future home of Jacob's Well. So I parked across the street from it and just sat there and looked. It just felt so right. I could, in an instant, see all of our happy faces roaming around on the other side of the glass. I can't wait! I drove by the small park nearby where we're meeting next week and felt even more excited. I want to spend more time in that area just hanging out and thinking; it was pretty peaceful.

Finally I decided to get back on the road, so I got onto Freya to make my way towards the freeway. On Freya between Fourth and Third Streets, I saw a young girl standing on the sidewalk with a sign in her hands that said, "Hungry & Pregnant." I'm ashamed to admit this, but I had zero thought about it. I treated that moment like I had treated every other moment of driving by a homeless person. I went on my way to the rest of my stops, and headed back to the office. On my way back, something hit me like a ton of bricks... the image of that young woman's face in my head. All of a sudden, I could not think of anything else but the young redhead with the light yellow sweatshirt and khaki pants and pregnant belly. At that moment, God told me loud and clear, you have to go to her. From then until my lunch break, I literally couldn't see one other thing in my mind except her face. This is exactly what we are being called to do. I couldn't believe I didn't see it, but God made sure to remind me what we were doing...

When it was my lunch time, I hopped in my car and raced to that same corner. I parked my car at Fred Meyer and walked over towards where she was...

But she wasn't there.

My heart sank into my feet and I felt such intense sadness. I didn't cry, but I just couldn't believe that God would tell me this message so strongly, get me to go back to that corner, and find that she wasn't there. For the rest of the day, I really just wondered why. Was it just a reminder to me that next time I should have acted sooner? What if there wasn't a next time? What if in that hour of me seeing her and then coming back, she was kidnapped or was hurt? And I could've prevented it by just noticing. I felt sad, but optimistic at the same time. I realized that there's always tomorrow. So I decided right then and there that I would be determined to go to that block every day at lunch until I had a chance to at least find out her name, even if I couldn't buy her a sandwich from the store.

When I got off work tonight, and started approaching the Thor/Freya exit, I thought, "Why not just check one more time, it wouldn't hurt." So I pulled off to the exit and started feeling those butterflies again. Then I gasped... there she was, right on the same corner, holding the same sign, wearing the same clothes, wearing the same face.

Thank you, Jesus, thank you, thank you, thank you.

That's what I said as I frantically tried to find a place to park my car. And I parked, got out and approached her. She looked like she didn't expect me to talk to her, but I did. I asked her how it was going, what her name was, and if I could get her something from the store. She said she'd better not go anywhere because she was meeting someone soon. But I still let her know that a lot of my friends and I were going to be opening up a shop just down the street where you could just come to hang out. I also asked what she was having... she said a boy. I said if she came in, we could definitely hook her up with some baby stuff. She smiled big and said, "Sweet, thanks a lot!" We said our goodbyes and I walked back to my car, so happy yet so brokenhearted. She looked no older than 17. I hope with all of my heart that even though I didn't give her money or food, that she realizes that there is someone out there who will hope. And even if this one girl comes into Jacob's Well and I can give her just some food or some baby clothes, I'll be satisfied.

This is what it's all about. I feel so touched by God today and so thankful that he smacked me upside the head today.

I have the burning.

Moving

Patsy Clairmont said it best... sometimes, you just have to M O V E. That spoke to me in so many ways, and until then, I hadn't even realized in how many ways, I am moving. I'm moving to a different church, moving out of my house, and even switching blogs. That's what brings me here--I used to use LiveJournal. In fact, I used it for nearly 7 years [since I was 14!]. It's very interesting to look back on those archives and see how my life has changed and how I have grown. I was saddened, however, to find that throughout all of those years, my attitude had seen little or no improvement. It wasn't until just a few months ago that I've actually felt some change. The sun seems brighter, the air more refreshing, and the world a little more beautiful.

"Y'know, this whole being a Christian thing has really been good for me," I said to my mom. She feels uncomfortable when I talk about my faith, so I usually keep it to myself. Of course, she's never said she feels uncomfortable, but I can just see it in her. Dad on the other hand... well, I don't really talk to him. We can't seem to have a conversation that goes past, "Hi, how are you?" "Good, how are you?" "Good," without disagreeing about something. Honestly, we are like night and day. I find it easier to keep as much information about my life away from him just to avoid opening Pandora's box of our issues. But I digress... constantly.

There are a lot of websites where one can blog, but after I glanced at Eric's blogspot and read a few lines, I honestly felt inspired. This is the place. Writing has been so absent from my life for the past months, and I think that had a lot to do with the fact that I couldn't look at my LiveJournal without feeling that I had to find something negative to write about. That's just not me anymore. And that makes me glow with happiness...

So, here I am.