A Disappointing Awakening

I woke up this morning and thought about the dream I had last night, and it made me so sad. It was a happy dream for everyone around me but not for me. Let me tell you about it...

Basically, it was a dream about the day of Jackie and Spencer's wedding. Jesse and I are invited, but in my dream I think I got there too late and couldn't get a seat inside the room. I had to stand outside of the room, instead, and watch as much as I could. The wedding was absolutely huge and of course, Jackie looked amazing and it was just such a beautiful time. I thought about how they must feel... being that they lived their pre-marriage relationship with Christian values. It was absolutely the beginning of a different life. That feeling is probably something that more and more soon-to-be married couples don't get to experience because they couldn't wait.

Anyway, in the dream, while they were standing around and everyone was greeting them, I went up to Jackie and hugged her. Then I started wailing and crying so hard because I was so, so admirable of her strength and ability to maintain purity. Also, I was crying because I knew that I would never, ever be able to have that same purity. For the rest of the dream, it was mostly just me crying wherever I was.

Then it was back to real life. This morning I ponder in my conscious mind and still can't even imagine how they must feel right now, being only a month from their wedding. They look like they're so in love, and they've done everything right. I'm so happy for them and I know I'm going to be crying at the wedding, but not in vain for my own self-pity, but in happiness for them. It's truly a joyous situation.

But since this is my blog, I am going to talk about myself.

My parents never said anything to me about staying pure until marriage. Today I try to understand why they didn't want me to wait, or care at least if I did. I know they both had their number of partners before they started dating, and they lived in sin too. Maybe they felt that I would use the, "practice what you preach" business. But I feel such a strong feeling of anger today because I wish so deeply that they would have tried to emphasize that to me. I'm also mad at myself for not figuring it out myself. As far as I am concerned now, there is no other way. So, a young 15-year-old girl with low self-esteem and no spiritual values is growing up and her hormones are developing. She has a boyfriend with the same lack of spiritual values--what do you think is going to happen? After that, it's easy to develop the, "who cares, it's no big deal" mindframe. You've already ruined yourself, why not just keep on going...

Then I found God. After 20 years, I finally have some glimpse of what purity is, and how important it is for an unmarried woman. Alas, my heart is broken. I think about how different I could've been today had I just valued myself. I didn't.

Honestly, I feel so far from pure right now. I feel saturated with sin and guilt. I sit here, about to explode with anxiety knowing that there's absolutely nothing I can do to change the past. I'm never going to have a Jackie and Spencer wedding. It just makes me sad. That's all.

Balance

I just have to keep reminding myself... you will never be perfect.

My life slowly evolved into a desperate effort to make everything absolutely flawless. I don't mean as a whole, I mean every single detail, from having a conversation, to typing a word on the computer, to driving from point A to point B without making any mistakes... I literally mean everything.

And yes, I could blame this on my parents, too. If I try hard enough, I can take every flaw I have and blame it on my parents.

I've realized, however, that there comes a point in one's life where blaming everyone else for one's own problems is no solution. Instead, it's a hinderance to overcoming problems. It's an excuse for taking responsibility. That's what I've been doing.

Sure, maybe in this case, my parents did seem to expect a lot out of me. It was only natural, though--I'm the only child. I was the only one there to pay attention to and focus on. But I took that and made it into something more than it was. I failed to draw a line between doing my best and striving for perfection. God loves me because I'm not perfect. But my heart was an empty place when I lost sight of what doing my best was. Now, it's just time to reverse those unrealistic goals, and instead learn life's limitations and find balance.

I've always been pretty detail-oriented, and I know what I want to be doing in my life. Maybe I don't know what I want in 10 years, but I do know what I want now. I pray to God for guidance and balance in my life, that He will direct me to the people who can help me find my identity and get comfortable in my skin. I have faith that He will help me do this... I just pray that this constant feeling of panic in the very back of my mind will go away and stop interfering with my daily thoughts. I just need some peace in my head and some patience. He will come through for me.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm going to topple over from being so unbalanced.