A wierd observatoin

Sitting here, watching commercials. They play that Cialis commercial (y'know, the medication for erectile disfunction, that commercial suitble for family TV...NOT REALLY), and I noticed something that was kind of nice to see. They seemed to put a lot of emphasis on the fact that the couples kanoodling in various places were wearing wedding rings. With almost all of the scenarios the commercial played, there was a close up shot of either one of the person's left hands or both of their hands with wedding bands. Thank you Cialis for implying that couples having problems having sex should be MARRIED couples. Thank you very much!

School update

I could seriously go to bed right now. I guess that's what a busy life feels like. It's bittersweet.

I'm in my 2nd week of school now. I think it's going pretty well. I've gotten A's on both of my first week tests, but I was still not that pleased with the results. I could've done better, considering the tests were both open-book with an hour to take them, so this week I'm focusing on taking better notes. I'm realizing that I am not going to be successful in my life if I just half-ass everything. I can get away with it without anyone knowing, but I'm not happy inside with that. So, I'm going to apply myself because I know that's the right thing to do. Maybe that's why I'm so sleepy right now!

The good thing about these classes I'm taking is that they are going to be very good for me, especially the stress management class. I am going to benefit from learning to relax and control stress that has always had a hold on me.

Gramatical goofball

I just think it's funny how my Philosophy professor was very, very adamant about us having correct spelling and grammar in our papers ("college-level English skills"), however, in almost every bulletin he has written, he's made some sort of spelling error.

Duh.

That's all.

It seems logical...

I'm searching for the deeper meaning behind my struggle with weight. For as long as I could remember, I have been overweight. I think I'm closer to normal than obese, but the world tells us that thin is the way to be, so why wouldn't I want to strive for that as well? When I got out of high school I really started obsessing more over my weight and thought I should lose weight. I didn't lose any significant amount of weight until I joined Weight Watchers. Other than that, my life was the same cycle of events. I would work out regularly, eat "okay" for a few days, then just thwart my efforts and eat bad and be lazy. I may be pretty good at maintaining my weight, but I told myself that wasn't good enough for me. I can't ever be happy. When I ate healthy, I felt deprived and unsatisfied. When I splurged, I felt guilty. Along with both feelings, I have felt puzzled as to why I associate feelings with food and how I came to do that. Actually, what puzzles me more is how to correct this behavior. It seems perfectly logical to me that feelings should not be associated with food. In addition, the formula to weight loss is burning more calories than consumed in a day. Doesn't that just mean eat fewer calories and burn more daily? Why can't it just be that simple? I absolutely don't understand why food has this chokehold over me. What makes it even more ridiculous it the fact that my eating habits have a direct effect on my health. I don't just mean my future well-being, I mean my present well-being. I have IBS, and the poor foods I eat make this condition much more to handle. If eating healthier foods cause me to lose weight and feel better, doesn't it seem logical that I would eat healthy foods? It's incredibly frustrating. I feel like once I can understand my emotional attachment to food, I can reverse the behavior and begin to control food for the first time in my life instead of it controlling me. At this point, it's not even my body that bothers me the most. I am not totally thrilled with how I look, but I could be worse off and I know that once I figure out the deeper explanation to this issue, I can make the changes necessary to work for a healthy life.

One Step Forward

Well, I'm going to school this fall. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I've decided to work for a bachelors degree in business, starting with SCC and then transfering to a university. To the best of my knowledge, I have figured out how my WSU credits go towards my Associates degree, and have also to the best of my knowledge, figured out which classes I have to take before I can transfer to a university. Now, I need to take these findings and go to SCC's counseling office and find out for sure that I've picked the right classes to start with. I am going to start with two classes offered online. They seem pretty easy, I think I'll do just fine! But of course, I need to get this stuff settled quickly since the quarter starts in about two weeks. The more I look into school, the more excited I am getting. It's about time I got off my butt and made some changes in my life. This is the first step forward.

Trapped in lies

Gossip and lies are nothing but vicious traps, aiming only to ruin relationships and friendships! They are poison, getting into your ears and infecting your mind and heart with the venom. Next thing you know, you are doubting a person who has never given you a reason in the world not to trust them. But these snakes who want to poison me don't give up, and they're so good at roping me in, it seems. This time, I am not going to let the venom kill me. I cut the snake off at the neck, and if that means I unknowingly cut off the vaccine, then that's just something I will have to live with. But I've got to follow my instincts here... I hate this. I pray for liars to come to justice!!!

Adrienne Flakes

Jacob's Well had a church campout last weekend! I was told about it well in advance, and it sounded like fun. There were no plans for me for that weekend and no other reason to keep me from going. But, when it came down to actually going, I didn't. I didn't end up doing anything particularly enjoyable that weekend, either. So, now I'm sitting here scratching my head, wondering why in the world I flaked out. It would've been a lot of fun to go and spend time with friends from church. It also would've been nice to go camping for only the second time this summer. And as if that weren't enough, it would've been a chance for me to be bapitzed Christian (I have been baptized, but I was baptized Catholic before I had a chance to decide). But, I didn't go. I didn't get a weekend to fellowship and build stronger relationships with people. I didn't get a weekend to get closer to God. What a shame!

I know one of the reasons why I didn't go was because Jacob wasn't going. I'm just gonna say it... I'm not proud of that, but sometimes we make emotional decisions. I think, though, that maybe it wasn't so much that he wasn't going, it was more that I didn't have someone to be there with. It seems like I am getting past that stage where I am totally cool with doing anything and everything, and I'm starting to really prefer someone to do things with. Not necessarily a bad thing, not necessarily a good thing either. It is just hard to go to so many church events with all of these families and I'm pretty far away from that stage in my life. I don't know... that's really no reason to isolate. I know that.

I'm just making excuses anyway... who knows why I've been so flaky lately. Either I need to stop saying I'm going to make it to things that I am invited to until I know for sure that I'll be there, or just try harder to be motivated to do more. I've been really lazy lately in general. I hope it's just a phase.

Thinking...

I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't quit school... I would be in my Senior year.

I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't quit Weight Watchers... I would have reached my weight loss goal by now.

I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't spent money on so many stupid things... I would actually have a savings account right now.

I think about what my life would be like if I had met Jacob several months ago... I might not feel so nervous about the future.

I could be angry at myself for these things. I could be angry at God for these things. But when I remember (again) that God has a plan for me, I feel peace again. No need for anxiety or nerves. I have to remind myself of that more often, I think.

Blank stare

Once again I'm sitting here in front of the laptop with an urge to write, but alas, nothing to write about. Maybe I'm distracted. Maybe I'm just tired. Who knows, but it's definitely frustrating. So, I quit for tonight.

Just Waiting

What in the world am I trying to say here... I keep typing an opening sentence and deleting it because it's not elegant and poetic enough. Who am I trying to impress here?

I just want to express my fear, that's all. Of course, it won't do any good to talk about how nervous and petrified I am about the upcoming months, seeing as how it won't change the outcome. Maybe it's worth blogging about, though, for the simple fact that it passes 20 minutes, and that gets me 20 minutes closer to an outcome that will change my life dramatically.

I'm trying to be strong in this chapter of my life, and it's working pretty well, I must say. But inside I'm really going crazy with anxiety. We're basically at the point in our relationship (or whatever you want to call it) where we have no choice but to sit back and wait until God shows us what his plan is for the future of "us," or lack thereof.

It mostly depends on when/where Jacob gets his new job. He doesn't want to move out of Spokane necessarily, but there realistically is more opportunity for him somewhere else, like the Seattle area, for instance. He has an interview in Everett this Friday. I'm very supportive of him finding a new good job, even if it is out of town. I know how important this next step is for him, so who would I be to burden him with how it would affect me? But, seeing as how we have spent the last 3 months or so getting very close, it's really an undeniable thing, our feelings for each other. I know that his feelings for me would not keep him from moving away, and that's okay with me-I wouldn't want him to do that. But, would he want me to be with him in a new city? That's the big question.

Well, we did have a long conversation about this whole subject, and I did bring that apsect up to him, and he said it was really just too soon to tell yet. That wasn't exactly the answer I wanted to hear, but it's truly the most logical answer. It really is too soon to know how promising of a future we could have together. Things like that take time to determine. I know that, but sometimes those 'in love' feelings cloud my judgment a little. The problem is that we don't exactly have a whole lot of time to figure out what kind of future we could have before he finds a job and possibly moves away. Then what?

I just go in circles when I think about all of the ways this situation could go. Maybe he won't have to move at all! Maybe he will move but want me there and everything will just go 100% smoothly. Maybe he will have to move but won't feel like we have enough of a future to have me somewhere else with him. Maybe this, maybe that, maybe maybe maybe...can you see my head spinning now?! When I start thinking about all of the possibilities, I just start panicing inside. I think about how happy I would feel if he said he wanted me to be with him, and I think about how crushed I would feel if he said he didn't. My heart is really in the palm of his hand right now, just waiting for the next move. But I can't be mad at him... I put it there. What sets me a little bit at ease is the fact that he hopes it works out as much as I do.

So, this whole thing is really just in God's hands. If He wants us to be together, HE will make it possible, no matter where Jacob goes, no matter what happens. I know that God has our best interest in mind (as I've said here before and said to myself numerous times), but it's just this waiting thing that is so difficult. I'm feeling vulnerable (and really past the point of putting my guard back up, I'm in over my head...where God sometimes wants us to be, I guess) and risking my heart for something that just feels so incredible and so right, but at the same time isn't a guarantee. But through this terribly difficult time in my life, I've gotten to know a fantastic person, and I've learned so much about myself and have grown so much as a person. I really do feel like there is a light at the end of this tunnel, though. I feel like there is a blessing on its way, I just have to be patient and trust God through every thought and worry. He'll take care of the rest. And that's what lets me sleep at night.

The 2 week test...

...is OVER TODAY!!! Within a matter of hours I'll be seeing Jacob for the first time in two weeks and I can't be more excited right now!!! He got a great vacation, but boy I'm ready for him to be home, that's for sure. I've learned more lessons in handling anxiety, I can thank God for that. He's just doing some great work with me these days and I couldn't be happier, no matter what happens in the end. I can't wait to find out, though!...

You Tucker!

What's black and white and annoys the crap out of me?



He's hairy, stinky, needy, whiny, defiant and just downright annoying. He sneezes and shoots boogers onto my walls and other various places. His cat box smells up my apartment. He can open my bedroom door if I don't lock it and sleep all over my bed. When I lock him out of my room at night, he sits at the door and whines like a baby.

He makes me so angry because when I clean my apartment, 80% of the mess is from HIM. He has a cat bed but chooses to sleep on the couch instead. He sits in the corner of the living room and meows at NOTHING. And he doesn't have a little cute meow; his meow is a cry, a whine, an utterly pathetic sound.

I got him last summer because I was terribly lonely and hadn't had a cat for a long time. Now, I am wondering why I didn't think about that decision a little more. So, I get mad and think about how I am going to give him away. Maybe I could put up an ad, maybe I could give him back to the foster parent he came from. Maybe my parents would take him. But then, at the peak of my frustration about him and what to do with him, he looks up at me with those little kitty eyes and innocent look and GAH I'm back to where I started.

I think about letting him be an indoor/outdoor cat all the time. But I don't know how I would live with myself if something happened to him as a result of me letting him out. He's never been an outdoor cat. But he's still young and would most likely be okay with a collar and loud bell. But he pretty much drives me crazy and I need to figure something out. Being angry at him isn't fair to him.

Weekend of photos

Back home now...with a photo representation of the weekend!



Like I said before, I went over to a bridal shop in downtown Seattle and tried on a groomswoman dress for my friend Donny's wedding. It is designed to be the same style as the bride's bridesmaids' dresses, just black with an accent color similar to that of the mens' ties. I got it all pinned up and ready to be sewed up, so I just have to make it over there once more to do a final try-on before the wedding in the unlikely event that something else needs to be fixed.

And now the more humorous stuff.



The three of us left their apartment on Saturday afternoon for lunch and I got in the back seat of Elizabeth's Mazda 3 and lying on the seat I was to be putting my butt on was one of those disgustingly real-looking fake limbs commonly seen at Halloween. Apparently Elizabeth had provided one of those for a Halloween party for her church of all places, but left it in the car. (Halloween was 9 months ago, mind you...) So when we arrived to lunch, we decided to try and confuse the hell out of passer-byers.

Then later on that day we went to the store and got makins for a yummy dinner...



Okay, so we didn't use the leg for dinner, but we did use some pasta, spaghetti sauce and meat for some delicious spaghetti and meatballs with authentic french bread! I outdid myself once again!

We went for breakfast this morning...



WHAT! OKAAAY!

Then, I go home today and see that Tucker decided to sleep ALL OVER my bed and leave his black hair behind. He got a nice bath in return.



And that, my friends, was my weekend. *bow*

Seattle stuff

Hmm, I still seem to be blogging into a black hole... oh well!

Well, I am here in Seattle (actually Renton to be exact) and I'm about ready to go to bed. I'm going home tomorrow and trying not to think about the drive too much. It was a good drive over that went by quickly, but the GPS system my dad lent me did NOT help me find where I was going. Then, I had a terribly hard time finding somewhere to park (I met my friend Donny and his fiancee Elizabeth downtown), and as soon as I started walking from my car to the bar I was meeting them at, I was propositioned by an older man who reeked of alcohol. He was talking to me about how girls aren't usually down to earth and he was asking if he could just get a chance to get my phone number and take me out to dinner. While trying to get away from him but trying to disprove his theory about girls not being down to earth, I told him I wasn't from around there, was too young for him (he disagreed with that apparently) and that I had a boyfriend, so it was all wrong. I finally got away from him and at that point decided I would feel a lot more comfortable if I didn't walk around downtown Seattle without someone with me. I didn't even make it a block! I guess the new haircut is paying off... *shudder*

I tried on my groomswoman dress today and got it all altered up for me, so all I need to do is come back here once more before the wedding (September 8th) and make sure everything fits me still. Hmm, that's funny, I seem to know someone who is going to be going to Seattle in a few weeks for a job interview, that someone also being someone I was supposed to go to Seattle with a few months ago but couldn't because we were both sick. Maybe that's just fate, who knows! *wink*

So that's about all that's gone on this weekend. Nothing too special or eventful. I will probably try to leave town between 2 and 4 tomorrow just so I can get unpacked and get to bed at a decent hour since I have to work Monday. That's okay, though. I'm going to work all week and try to get a workout routine going and before I know it, the weekend will be here and that certain aforementioned someone will be HOME! =D I can't wait!

Sweet dream

http://www.charmcitycakes.com/

This is the website for a cake company that the Food Network does a show about, called Ace of Cakes. I'm tellin' ya, that show is my DREAM! They get to make cakes in so many different shapes and varieties. They seriously go all out for these cakes, and it looks so fun! I've always loved baking, and I absolutely thrive at the opportunity to be creative. I've also played with the idea of being a baker for several years. While I've always put the idea on the back burner, it keeps on coming back, stronger and stronger each time. Owning a cake shop seems to embody a LOT of my attributes....creativity, food-loving, leadership, and the natural talent to do really anything I put my mind to. Business degree? I could do it! Baking program? Absolutely!!! Now, I pray about it and see what God says... =)

Whelp, I'm as packed up as I can be, the laundry is done, Tucker has food and water for a few days, and it's getting LATE, so I think it's bed time. I'm going to Seattle tomorrow to visit my good friend Donny and try on a dress for his wedding. I'm a groomswoman, how fun is that! I've also planned on getting together with Jacob's sister Korina. (Speaking of him, he called today..woohoo!!! I hadn't talked to him for days and it was SO nice to hear his voice)

Have a great weekend!

By the way, how do I get readers over here? Obviously we blog so people can read into our minds, but I seem to be blogging into a black hole!

When Drowning in Fear...

thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done.thy will be done...

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

Save me God. Make me better.

That Yearly Reminder

Well, I got back home the other night from a weekend camping trip that is a yearly tradition among my extended family on my mom's side. We've been doing it ever since I could remember, and I know they did it before I was even born. It's the chance for the family to spend time together; catching up, baking in the sun on the beach, teasing each other, telling stories, *ahem* drinking a lot, and just having a good ol' time. But, for me it is usually something more than just a fun time. I get some good life inspiration out of it.

I talk to my aunts a lot during that weekend. It gives me an opportunity to get more perspective on womanhood from someone besides my mom. I love my mom to death, of course, but she doesn't exactly take very good care of herself. So what I grew up seeing, I sometimes see myself doing too, and that worries me. My mom is not what I would call old (early 50s), but she's got a shoulder problem, knee problem, toe problems, smokers cough, and she's overweight. She doesn't have an active lifestyle at all. Actually, neither of my parents do. They come home from work, eat, then sit in front of the TV until it's bed time. Man, there is no way I want to be like that.

I have two aunts on my mom's side of the family who are 50 and another one who is in her late 30s. I love talking to them because they do take care of themsevles! They're all living life to the fullest, too; going camping, on vacations, being active! They exercise and cook healthy meals for their families and are youthful. It's so inspiring to me. So, to say the least, I come back from those weekends feeling obviously rejuvenated from getting away from the normal routine of life, but I also get a renewed outlook on life and how I take care of myself. I grew up with a pretty lazy approach to self-care. Even with the simple stuff like brushing my teeth and washing my face, I was never really forced to do it, thus not creating a habit that would stick with me when I got older. And I know, here I go blaming my parents again for something that I have control of. It's not that I'm blaming them, it's just that I see, more and more, the connections between parents' actions and their childrens' decisions later in life. My parents are lazy, thus I am lazy. My parents don't force me to brush my teeth before bed, thus I don't do it when I'm grown. If anything, it's just motivation to have more healthy habits in my life (and start them sooner than later), so that my children will develop healthy habits too.

Now that I establish that the reason why I find myself naturally developing negative habits is because of how I was brought up, it's time to then step into the role of adult and put forth the extra effort to correct the habits and turn them into good ones so that I don't cause this extra effort to be made by my children someday.

With that said, I now depart for the gym...

A Side Note

I feel the way I feel about what I wrote earlier today, but I also said that a lot of my friends are in those situations. I may not agree with what my friends do all the time, but that doesn't mean I think any less of them as people. I love my friends and always hope the best turns out for them. True friends celebrate each others' successes, but they are also there to pick up the pieces when they need a friend, regardless of what my opinion of their decisions is. That's all...

Backwards Generation

I am truly saddened by what I see among my friends and other young people my age. They are doing everyhing backwards! I know so many people who I graduated high school with who either have children or are pregnant, but are not married. A generation of children are being born into broken families. They will never get a chance to experience a happy family with two loving parents who love each other as well. Single parenting is becoming the normal thing! It's so very sad...there are so many pregnancies and so little commitment. Young people play with fire day after day without a second thought of the consequences. What's worse is that getting pregnant out of wedlock no longer seems like a 'consequence' at all! It's an 'oh well' sort of thing and the possibility of the relationship between the two future parents not working out is just another detail. It means nothing to them, because they are young and selfish. They are excited about buying baby clothes and picking out a name, but not at all concerned about the child growing up with two homes and no sense of what family is really supposed to be. Some scenarios do end up with the parents getting married, but it's still all backwards. Aren't you supposed to establish a career, get married and then plan the arrival of a child? Why doesn't anybody seem to understand the significance of financial stability and the commitment between man and a woman before bringing a child into this world? Whether you've been dating for years or are even living together, without the bond of marriage you have no guarantee that your significant other will stay in the relationship through thick and thin. But even these days, marriage unfortunately isn't meaning as much as it used to anyway. Just look at the divorce rate...

So, I mourn for the next generation of children. They are going to grow up with parents who can barely provide for them because they did not wait to have a stable life before they had children. They will have to be in the middle of custody battles, child support disputes, and fighting parents. Then what will happen is the parent will eventually come to the realization that they never got to be young and selfish, and then instead of accepting that, they will try to have that part of their life when they're in their 30s and their child is at the point of their childhood where they really need the good influence and attention from their parents. But, their parents will be out partying and being young, paving the way for more and more troubled teens who are missing the parental influence so important to raising an intelligent person. Then, the cycle just repeats itself and those children are having children young and going through the same series of problems and struggles.

So, I am making it a personal goal to go against the grain and do things the right way. I am going to figure out what my career is going to be and do what I need to do to get there. Then, when the time is right, I will get married to somebody I have built a strong foundation with and spend some time strengthening that bond, in order to be able to provide a loving environment for a child. And I will raise my child or children to do the same for their children. I will not contribute to the backwards generation.

A Talk With Myself

I ran away yesterday. Not that far away, but far away enough to get away from my mind. I spent the morning full of anxiety-to the point of panic, even!-and realized I just absolutely could not live like that anymore. So, I got in my car and drove to Sandpoint. I walked around the town for a while, browsing the little shops and enjoying the weather. I went to the city beach and sat in the sand. I stood in the water and watched my feet get progessively buried with each passing wave. And, most importantly, I had a little chat with myself. Oh, I invited God to be a part of this little talk, too. What it came down to was this: It's time to learn to how to let go and trust God. There are so many unknowns and questions in life, that's a fact. But, if I let those unknowns dictate how I feel about life, then I'm not living for now. If I am consumed with the fact that I don't know what is going to happen in my future, I'm wasting today, and tomorrow, and yesterday, and those are days that I am never getting back. So, it's time to make a change. It's time to be okay-no, happy-with things no matter what the circumstances are in my life. Of course this is something I have always known, but now it's being tested to the fullest! It won't be easy, but God is good and He'll give me the strength to get through anything.

How?

I've spent an excessive amount of time thinking about things this week. That, along with working hard overtime, has made for quite the exhausting week if you ask me! But, I've come to the conclusion that God has definitely given me quite the test to take. I knew it would be difficult to get through this chapter, but I didn't even think about how much personal growth I would be facing. My patience has never been tested like this. I've never really had to wait for something like I'm having to wait right now. Every day is waiting, every day is being patient, every day is living in anticipation, and every day is living trusting. I think that last part is the one I've had the most trouble with. I know what I want the outcome of this story to be, and as each day goes by, I feel more confident of what the outcome will be, but ultimately I don't know what the outcome will be and I don't know what God wants the outcome to be, so it's easy to be scared. The only thing I know is that God wants the best for me and the best for Jacob. It's so hard to be okay with the circumstances no matter what they may be. It's hard to understand that God has the best interest in mind, even when something hurts so bad. That's where most of my anxiety is. What if it isn't God's will for Jacob and I to be together? How do I deal with that? It just feels so right...so right. And what scares me even more is the fact that He has not given me any sort of feeling that it's not right. How, oh how, do you just let go and let God take control? How do I look at the man of my dreams and say that I'd be okay if we weren't meant for each other? There's nothing in this world that leads me to believe anything other than we were made for each other. So, I wait, learn to be patient, support him through his endeavors, and hold my heart in my hands until I can give it back to him again. I believe it is meant to be, and feel no hesitation saying it.

Waiting

I tried to make things go the way I wanted them, even claiming it was God's will! Well, maybe it is still His will for us to be together, but not yet. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I cried a little when he told me he needed some time to figure some things out. I really tried to help him get things figured out, but when he'd rather just hang out with me and not worry about that stuff... that's wherein the problem lies. He's an incredibly driven, motivated, and determined person with the potential to be something that the word 'successful' couldn't even touch, but got a little detoured by me and how good I was to him. So, now it's time to get back on track. I want him to do everything he's ever wanted and have everything he's ever dreamed of having--I don't want to be a hinderance to that at all! He said he felt like God was telling him he needed to get right with Him first; get involved in a church again, hit the job search hard, figure out where he's gonna live, and then have me right there with him. I feel so good about that! I see something in his eyes that I've never seen before, and there's no way that I want to lose him.

So, I'm doing what I have to do-I'm letting him go. We're just taking a step back; hanging out a little less often, taking the seriousness away for a while, getting to know each other even better, and building a stronger foundation for something more a little later. I believe, now, that this is God's will, not mine, and that's what makes me feel comfort that we'll be together again. There's something real promising betweeen us, and I am not going to ruin it by insisting he either be together with me or nothing at all. I care too much about him to be selfish. I want to be there with him to celebrate his success, not stand in the way of getting there. I told him to take a step in faith by being with me. Now it's my turn to take the step in faith, believing that God will do what is best for both of us, no matter what. And now, I wait.

He's back!

Recalling my previous blog--the prayer for "us"--I have to share God's care and concern for the success of our relationship.

What I'm referring to is this part of the entry: "When situations start to get out of hand, I pray for a reminder of what we want of our relationship."

Well, let's just say, a situation started getting out of hand a little, and of course I started hearing that voice in my head saying it's getting out of hand, but something else happened at the same time that really made me feel like God wants this one to work out--I started paying attention to what was playing on the radio; Amazing Grace! (sung by Rod Stewart, they were playing an old album of his on the station we had on) I just laughed and told Jacob about this blog and the song and, of course, no lines were crossed. Thanks, God. =)

My Prayer For "US"

Father, I pray for forgiveness and mercy on us, along with any other young couple struggling with the temptations and pressures that a relationship entails. We've never had a relationship like this before, God, and it's so hard to go against the grain of what everyone else is doing. I know what things I have promised to myself, I know what promises I've broken, and I know what I need to change. I pray that You can forgive us and have mercy on us for what we've done and what we've thought about doing. I invite You full-heartedly into our relationship again. I pray we can overcome the temptations and have a relationship that is based on what is really important. When situations start to get out of hand, I pray for a reminder of what we want of our relationship. I pray we can work together to fight through the lies and attacks from the enemy. I also pray that our own personal relationships with You can strengthen through our time together, not diminish, and we can share our feelings for each other and the love that You so graciously give, no matter what. I give You thanks and praise for always taking me back, no matter how far I stray. And just know that no matter what happens around me, I always try my best. Sometimes, I'm just deceived. I just pray blessings and happiness on our new relationship and a wonderful future, together or apart. I praise You either way, God. I pray in Jesus' name, Amen.

Where I Belong

After I graduated from high school, I went right to college. I was excited to go, but not necessarily for the right reasons. It was more so because of the opportunity to get out of town and do my own thing for a while, not to further my education. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. So, I went to WSU for two semesters and pretty much B.S.'ed my way through the year. Even with minimal effort, I still managed a 3.3 GPA--pretty impressive, huh? I got those grades doing my homework, hardly studying for tests, and going to parties to drink and do drugs. Imagine what I could've done had I actually tried. But, I didn't feel like I should stay for all the obvious reasons. I figured I could go home, start working and be just fine. Why not? I've heard plenty of stories about people being perfectly successful without a college education.

So, I go home, live with my parents for a while, get a job and see a possible career to come from this job. I'm good at what I do (but of course I'd be good at anything I did... a blessing and a curse, might I add), and I think I would enjoy moving up with this company. But as time passes (about two years), I start to realize that things aren't all they cracked up to be. Basically, the corporate world SUCKS. Having a boss who doesn't care about you is horribly disappointing, and I can't handle life like that. So, here I am, back at square one... I need to go back to school. I NEED to figure out where I belong. I've had plenty of ideas for possible career paths, but I've always gotten psyched out of them.

Culinary arts--long hours, hard to be successful, made a wedding cake and thought I was going to kill myself.
Business--I would be a good leader, but I want to do something good for the world.
Journalism--I really just thought about it today and realized that I don't think I would enjoy reporting events. I enjoy blog-style writing a lot more and what can I do with that?
Teaching--too underapreciated and underpaid

And then there's psychology. I've been drawn to the idea of being a counselor for the longest of all the ideas, particularly since I've seen a counselor for a long time. I like the idea of having my own hours, my own office, my own jurisdiction. I suppose the only people I'd really have to deal with are insurance companies, but essentially I would be my own boss. I also love the idea of helping people. I have always loved giving advice, being someone to confide in, helping people get through things. That's the whole "making a difference in the world" part that is pretty important to me. I want to make money, sure, but I want to make a difference. I want to help the divorce rate drop from 50%! Sounds like I've already pretty much made up my mind, doesn't it? So what's keeping me from this dream? ..school...

That's what has psyched me out about the whole idea; the amount of school! I need my bachelors degree, masters degree, AND three years at an agency before I can have my own private practice. I'm looking at approximately 8-9 years of school before I'm where I want to be. But, I remember what someone pretty wise said to me once... you have to find that one thing you're passionate about to the point of not caring how much is involved in getting there, just wanting to be there. And I do. I think it's just a matter of not thinking about it too much, which is what I'm guilty of doing with everything, it seems. Life flies by, and I know if I set my mind to it, I can do anything I want.

Don't call it a comeback

Now that I've finally figured out how to log in to this NewBlogger stuff, I'm-a comin' back! And boy, oh boy, do I have a lot to say...

Just you wait, just you wait..