Adrienne Flakes

Jacob's Well had a church campout last weekend! I was told about it well in advance, and it sounded like fun. There were no plans for me for that weekend and no other reason to keep me from going. But, when it came down to actually going, I didn't. I didn't end up doing anything particularly enjoyable that weekend, either. So, now I'm sitting here scratching my head, wondering why in the world I flaked out. It would've been a lot of fun to go and spend time with friends from church. It also would've been nice to go camping for only the second time this summer. And as if that weren't enough, it would've been a chance for me to be bapitzed Christian (I have been baptized, but I was baptized Catholic before I had a chance to decide). But, I didn't go. I didn't get a weekend to fellowship and build stronger relationships with people. I didn't get a weekend to get closer to God. What a shame!

I know one of the reasons why I didn't go was because Jacob wasn't going. I'm just gonna say it... I'm not proud of that, but sometimes we make emotional decisions. I think, though, that maybe it wasn't so much that he wasn't going, it was more that I didn't have someone to be there with. It seems like I am getting past that stage where I am totally cool with doing anything and everything, and I'm starting to really prefer someone to do things with. Not necessarily a bad thing, not necessarily a good thing either. It is just hard to go to so many church events with all of these families and I'm pretty far away from that stage in my life. I don't know... that's really no reason to isolate. I know that.

I'm just making excuses anyway... who knows why I've been so flaky lately. Either I need to stop saying I'm going to make it to things that I am invited to until I know for sure that I'll be there, or just try harder to be motivated to do more. I've been really lazy lately in general. I hope it's just a phase.

Thinking...

I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't quit school... I would be in my Senior year.

I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't quit Weight Watchers... I would have reached my weight loss goal by now.

I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't spent money on so many stupid things... I would actually have a savings account right now.

I think about what my life would be like if I had met Jacob several months ago... I might not feel so nervous about the future.

I could be angry at myself for these things. I could be angry at God for these things. But when I remember (again) that God has a plan for me, I feel peace again. No need for anxiety or nerves. I have to remind myself of that more often, I think.

Blank stare

Once again I'm sitting here in front of the laptop with an urge to write, but alas, nothing to write about. Maybe I'm distracted. Maybe I'm just tired. Who knows, but it's definitely frustrating. So, I quit for tonight.

Just Waiting

What in the world am I trying to say here... I keep typing an opening sentence and deleting it because it's not elegant and poetic enough. Who am I trying to impress here?

I just want to express my fear, that's all. Of course, it won't do any good to talk about how nervous and petrified I am about the upcoming months, seeing as how it won't change the outcome. Maybe it's worth blogging about, though, for the simple fact that it passes 20 minutes, and that gets me 20 minutes closer to an outcome that will change my life dramatically.

I'm trying to be strong in this chapter of my life, and it's working pretty well, I must say. But inside I'm really going crazy with anxiety. We're basically at the point in our relationship (or whatever you want to call it) where we have no choice but to sit back and wait until God shows us what his plan is for the future of "us," or lack thereof.

It mostly depends on when/where Jacob gets his new job. He doesn't want to move out of Spokane necessarily, but there realistically is more opportunity for him somewhere else, like the Seattle area, for instance. He has an interview in Everett this Friday. I'm very supportive of him finding a new good job, even if it is out of town. I know how important this next step is for him, so who would I be to burden him with how it would affect me? But, seeing as how we have spent the last 3 months or so getting very close, it's really an undeniable thing, our feelings for each other. I know that his feelings for me would not keep him from moving away, and that's okay with me-I wouldn't want him to do that. But, would he want me to be with him in a new city? That's the big question.

Well, we did have a long conversation about this whole subject, and I did bring that apsect up to him, and he said it was really just too soon to tell yet. That wasn't exactly the answer I wanted to hear, but it's truly the most logical answer. It really is too soon to know how promising of a future we could have together. Things like that take time to determine. I know that, but sometimes those 'in love' feelings cloud my judgment a little. The problem is that we don't exactly have a whole lot of time to figure out what kind of future we could have before he finds a job and possibly moves away. Then what?

I just go in circles when I think about all of the ways this situation could go. Maybe he won't have to move at all! Maybe he will move but want me there and everything will just go 100% smoothly. Maybe he will have to move but won't feel like we have enough of a future to have me somewhere else with him. Maybe this, maybe that, maybe maybe maybe...can you see my head spinning now?! When I start thinking about all of the possibilities, I just start panicing inside. I think about how happy I would feel if he said he wanted me to be with him, and I think about how crushed I would feel if he said he didn't. My heart is really in the palm of his hand right now, just waiting for the next move. But I can't be mad at him... I put it there. What sets me a little bit at ease is the fact that he hopes it works out as much as I do.

So, this whole thing is really just in God's hands. If He wants us to be together, HE will make it possible, no matter where Jacob goes, no matter what happens. I know that God has our best interest in mind (as I've said here before and said to myself numerous times), but it's just this waiting thing that is so difficult. I'm feeling vulnerable (and really past the point of putting my guard back up, I'm in over my head...where God sometimes wants us to be, I guess) and risking my heart for something that just feels so incredible and so right, but at the same time isn't a guarantee. But through this terribly difficult time in my life, I've gotten to know a fantastic person, and I've learned so much about myself and have grown so much as a person. I really do feel like there is a light at the end of this tunnel, though. I feel like there is a blessing on its way, I just have to be patient and trust God through every thought and worry. He'll take care of the rest. And that's what lets me sleep at night.

The 2 week test...

...is OVER TODAY!!! Within a matter of hours I'll be seeing Jacob for the first time in two weeks and I can't be more excited right now!!! He got a great vacation, but boy I'm ready for him to be home, that's for sure. I've learned more lessons in handling anxiety, I can thank God for that. He's just doing some great work with me these days and I couldn't be happier, no matter what happens in the end. I can't wait to find out, though!...

You Tucker!

What's black and white and annoys the crap out of me?



He's hairy, stinky, needy, whiny, defiant and just downright annoying. He sneezes and shoots boogers onto my walls and other various places. His cat box smells up my apartment. He can open my bedroom door if I don't lock it and sleep all over my bed. When I lock him out of my room at night, he sits at the door and whines like a baby.

He makes me so angry because when I clean my apartment, 80% of the mess is from HIM. He has a cat bed but chooses to sleep on the couch instead. He sits in the corner of the living room and meows at NOTHING. And he doesn't have a little cute meow; his meow is a cry, a whine, an utterly pathetic sound.

I got him last summer because I was terribly lonely and hadn't had a cat for a long time. Now, I am wondering why I didn't think about that decision a little more. So, I get mad and think about how I am going to give him away. Maybe I could put up an ad, maybe I could give him back to the foster parent he came from. Maybe my parents would take him. But then, at the peak of my frustration about him and what to do with him, he looks up at me with those little kitty eyes and innocent look and GAH I'm back to where I started.

I think about letting him be an indoor/outdoor cat all the time. But I don't know how I would live with myself if something happened to him as a result of me letting him out. He's never been an outdoor cat. But he's still young and would most likely be okay with a collar and loud bell. But he pretty much drives me crazy and I need to figure something out. Being angry at him isn't fair to him.