Two Steps Back

I think I got a little ahead of myself here.

As of recent, I really felt my strength and the ambition to use it for great things. I pictured myself being, well, a lot more help than I have turned out to be when it came to Jacob's Well. And with the way I have let [and am letting] the enemy control my thoughts today, I think I'm still on the other side of the table yet--the side that still needs help. Going to church on Sundays just isn't enough. Even when I have something to say that's miniscule and can definitely wait, I will still use that as a reason to call Eric or LeeElla, more as just an excuse to absorb some of their positive energy because I need it. With almost every thought/idea I've had, though, it's been about something that's already been thought of, and that makes me so sad. I don't want to take a backseat to the whole process of putting things together, but I'm just slipping that way. I don't know what I can do, but I know I want to be important somehow. Anywho, I can't depend on those 2-minute conversations. I'm just waiting on pins and needles for a hope group or Bible study or something.

Today, a negative scenario played in my head beteween myself and just about everybody I know. I was a courier today, so I was out on the road with really, no way to escape myself... no one to talk to. I couldn't even get my hand to turn the dial to 104.5. I felt so far away from God today, and for that I feel heartbroken. I just want to get better--in every aspect of my life, for that matter--and I seem to be going the wrong way. Just when I thought I was really feeling good... one step forward, two steps back. It hurts...