Put to the Test

Joy gave me a Bible verse today that is the exact aspect of God that I take the most comfort in right now...

"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope." -- Jeremiah 29:11

That verse, right there, is what is keeping me going right now. It's giving me strength and hope for the future.

Today I'm being put to the test with this desire to just let go. During church, I saw Jesse proceeding to jump on the phone right after church and talk way longer than he usually does. I came to church strong and I left strong. I know in my heart that I am moving forward every day and I'm proud of myself for that. I want to see Jesse move forward as well, realizing things about himself, but I must realize that I simply cannot control or even worry about his personal growth. He is going to grow at the pace he wants to grow, and if he stays exactly the same as he is now, I should just be thankful that I was moved to another place by God by which I could flourish and grow freely.

But, not knowing who he was texting and talking to really started getting to me. I went through all the normal girly thoughts, is it a girl? who is it who is it I have to know! And those thoughts stuck with me throughout most of this afternoon. Finally, I got to a point where it was bringing me down and irritating me. When I talked to LeeElla, she was quick to point out that this is probably a test to see if I can let go. I can't control Jesse. It's as simple as that. I was never able to and I never will be able to. I can care about him and be hopeful and pray that he grows into a fantastic man, but that's all I can do. Endlessly wondering what he's doing, how he's doing and who he's talking to is just a burden on my shoulders that by not being with him should have allievated.

I made the choice to let it bother me, now it's time to make the choice to forget about it and press forward through my day.

When I lay in my bed at night, I feel like God has His hand on my shoulder. Trust me, child, He says, I know what I'm doing. He's carrying me across the sands of this trying time. He understands and is sorry that this time isn't easy for me, but He has a plan for me and my life, and being in a relationship with Jesse at this point was not part of the plan. I already feel that in this last 10 days that I've grown inside so much. I'm surprised by my strength every day. Is this really me? I feel like God is my designated hitter and he's stepped in for me. I'm excited for what He has in store for me. I really feel like He is preparing me for something big and great. I can only sit back and wait patiently for what it is, having faith in Him.

Lonely? Sometimes

Alone? Never